Tag Archives: Personal

Decision time

Written on 30/11/17

The words are stuck again. It’s been a while since they erupted from me and it’s because I pushed away this side of me. When I start questioning and letting my thoughts to wonder, I heal myself by writing.

I feel chaos. I feel destruction. I feel the darkness but this time it’s not creeping up to me. I don’t let it. And because I don’t let it, the words get stuck. How ironic. When I let myself go deep down into the darkness, I can express myself a whole lot better. I can’t even find an adjective to this but simply using everyday words that are so un-descriptive.

What have I become? What do I want? Who am I? If I don’t know then how should I realise if I’m not on the right track? When I set my mind on something, I achieve it. I’m a getter. But when I don’t know what it is that I want to get it becomes tricky.

Should I just enjoy the natural flow of life or should I set my vision and clear up the image that is a big grey blur right now?

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Just be

Unspoken words

Unspoken words rushing through my entire being. I feel them exploding letter by letter as they travel through all parts of my body. They are making my muscles twitch, my spine strengthen up, my skin itching and my breathing to become shallow.

Exhale. Breath out these unspoken words, just let it all out without having to form a whisper. In-out. In-out. I am fully alive with the newly recognised truth that has been burning inside me for centuries, seeking a way to erupt. And when the explosion of truth happened, what’s next? I’m thinking again but this time it’s not “me” thinking. It’s everything I know is thinking all together, in a peaceful harmony.

Breathing in the unspoken words, listening to the sound of uniting. Breathing out the forgotten memories, listening to the sound of recognition. In-out. In-out.

Unleashed secrets that were supposed to be found. Just exhale that last letter, let it out then let it go to where it belongs. Out.

Lock on green background

Remembering who I am

09.05.16

I started my day telling myself that today I will remember who I am. I know who I am and who I was. I will remember what I truly want. All day I was full of energy, I managed to get done what I usually would in 2-3 days (work-wise). Then at the end of my working day I felt a little mentally drained but I was still buzzing. Feeling calm and content. When I came home, I poured myself a glass of wine to enjoy it in my little garden while writing about my future, finalising my life goals. That’s when it hit me. Hard.

A roller-coaster of emotions. As I was forming each letter with my pen, I started remembering feelings. Excitement, disappointment, pain, hope, gratitude, extreme joyous happiness. Empathy for everything. Calmness. I grabbed another notebook to write about this intense experience. But how do I express such magnificent emotions? I simply can’t shove them into words and sentences.

It feels like if a tall building has just collapsed and the pieces have fallen into their “right” place. They created a brand new building that is so ancient at the same time, I’ve been looking at it for centuries. I lived inside this building, I just haven’t recognised it until now. From the deepest parts of my heart, I wish you dear reader to find your old-new building as well. The fact that you are reading this is already evidence that you are on the right path to discover it.

Throw away all the directions you’ve been given by others. No one else can lead you to this place. With that said, remain faithful. Have faith in yourself, your instincts, that feeling in your gut. Don’t chase it though. It will chase you instead when you’re ready and truly want it. I am now holding the key to the front door, so I say let’s step inside, shall we?

My future memories

This is not a poem. This is aimed to be lyrics for a song. The only obstacle I have is the fact that I have no singing voice. Like nothing at all, unless you want to be tortured then get me to sing. So if you get inspired by my words then feel free to #singmylyrics and link back your video or recording.

Verse 1

Lyrical or hysterical

Fictional or mental

Shut your judgemental instincts

And open your kindness within

You, of course. Who else I’d be talking about?

But now you know there is no way back out

Just keep marching ahead

With your head filled with illusionary images

Limiting your true knowledge

What am I talking about? You still don’t get it?

Wasted thoughts

They have no meaning if they’re not being spoken out loud

Or do they?

Someone must have thought of them

 

Chorus

Drawing up one big circle and washing away the lines of time

Throwing in there all life experiences, watching them all shine

Should I just call it the present or my whole life instead?

When I recollect my future memories do I think in dates and years?

Or do I simply reminisce the events that are still fierce?

 

Verse 2

The limits

Heavy words shoved into a short sentence

Put a question mark at the end

To make it sound more complex

But in reality I’m only speaking about what you thought

Without worrying what my family and friends will know

Or perhaps I’m just creating fiction and these are not my ideas

But simply my imagination running around producing some crazy theories

Or could they be my future memories?

 

Chorus

Drawing up one big circle and washing away the lines of time

Throwing in there all life experiences, watching them all shine

Should I just call it the present or my whole life instead?

When I recollect my future memories do I think in dates and years?

Or do I simply reminisce the events that are still fierce?

 

Verse 3

Tomorrow I did something stupid

My future memories are coming back to me in the past

At last

Watching what I said to my close ones

5 years from now

If I could see it and feel it how would I behave right now?

Would I tell myself that it will be all fine somehow?

Would I pat myself on the back

When all I did was slack?

Dreaming about how the past was in the future

Would it confuse my head?

 

Chorus

Drawing up one big circle and washing away the lines of time

Throwing in there all life experiences, watching them all shine

Should I just call it the present or my whole life instead?

When I recollect my future memories do I think in dates and years?

Or do I simply reminisce the events that are still fierce?

 

Outro

I believe I will remember the feelings better

My past self is nodding and I have nothing against her

So it’s time to decide: feelings or actions?

What’s more important to me: the wholeness or the fractions?

Match lit up

Too Real

I decided to let go and enjoy the “realness” a while ago. This little piece was born while I was resisting to believe that it could be true. 

I’m scared to the point that I just compared my state of mind to a fish being caught on a hook. It’s too late to swim away now and I honestly don’t want to, however there is that sceptical side of me again. It’s trying to break through my sanity, my rational thinking to aggressively put out that twinkling little flame. I’m fighting the doubts, the unrealistic disbelief.

I’ve waited so long to finally let myself go and moments after I did it, for some unknown reason I’m trying to destroy all the hard work. I’m questioning whether I’m subconsciously enjoying this battle, whether I have a sick, twisted mind that’s letting out a satisfied laugh. But I come to the conclusion that no, I do not enjoy this. I want to go back to the previous moment where all seemed to fall into place. Where I felt I was finally in a place I’ve been trying to find for months. The home of my soul. Content, relaxed and truthful. With a permanent smile stretched across my soul and heart. I’m probably scared because I know that this is actually very real.

Let it be real, let it be scary, let it be exciting. I feel alive suddenly and that’s what is so scary.

Red brick wall

Writer’s block

I have moments when a strong urge to write is burning inside me, yet I cannot form a cohesive sentence. I know that I’m not the only one who faces this frustration occasionally. The question is: what do you do when this stubborn block hits your brain? Personally, I carry on writing and I end up with a hard-to-decipher, frustrated mumble. Like this one: 

Delete. Type. Delete, delete, delete. Start again. I have something very important to tell you, yet it doesn’t want to become a form of words. It burns my soul with its white fire and tightens my throat when I’m attempting to say it out loud. A heavy exhale. Yes that helps temporarily, let me do it again. Dizziness kicks in; well at least my physical symptoms are now in line with my emotional ones. Start typing again. My fingertips are hitting the keyboard at such a rapid speed that my skin is burning up. Sloooow down, this is not making sense. Delete, delete.

New paragraph. Organise the tornado of thoughts. I need to understand where to start and why do I want to start. Do I want to start? Stop confusing yourself even more, no questions. Just type. Two more sentences are formed, let me read them back. Doesn’t this sound miserable? Was that another question?! Hush now consciousness, this truth inside my soul needs to be born. It needs to be shared with you but firstly I need to admit it to myself and stop running away from it. This is not a rabies ridden dog trying to bite my arm off but this is…delete, delete.

The realisation hits so hard on my chest that I struggle to breathe for a few seconds. I do not know what it is that I must tell myself. It all remains the playhouse of Confusion.

Chain

1 step back, 2 steps forward

Wondering what could happen or would happen if I was able to change one moment of my past. A fracture of a memory transforming into the stepping-stone of my shiny future.

By altering one little piece of the events-chain could I create something so magnificent that the crowd around me would freeze for a lifetime? They would become the cold greyness and I would be the blazing red flame hurting the sight of the blind. Faces would be converted into paintings, eyes into mirrors and speech would evolve into a silent movie. I would soak up this vision and believe that what I had done is truly remarkable. Perhaps I would congratulate myself and throw a victory-smile to the negativity that has been trying to sneak into my shadow. After the shoulder patting what’s left for me to do is to unfreeze the ones with the flickering eyes inviting them to take a look around while holding onto the hands of my soul, slowly understanding where the alteration took place.

But I have no power to change what’s already done. I am where I am; I am who I am because the chain is unbroken. Each piece has taught me a lesson, arched a smile onto my face and witnessed me at my worst to become my best. Each memory-scar gave me stronger fighting skills and every moment contributed towards my ability to stand up always one more time more than falling down. So why would I change anything that I can be thankful for? Why would I be wishing to miss out on opportunities that came from behind closed doors? Every lived second was leading me to cross new paths I otherwise would have missed.

Embrace your past but remember to take your sight off it if you want to be excited about your next step.