Tag Archives: self-expression

What I could call this ‘living in the jungle’ experience?

I’m struggling to match my thoughts with my emotions. It seems that the past few months of this whirlwind event-chain has now calmed down and it’s trying to find a place to rest. And that place is seeking a title, a name, a short description. I don’t know which shelf to put it on, it needs a whole new cupboard, a whole new room actually. These past 8 months have been incredibly life shaping for me. Especially the second half of this period was what drove me forward before it broke me down and shattered me to pieces. I needed to hit ground zero to realise what it is that I truly wanted in life. I got exactly what I asked for and what I wanted to experience. Yet when I think back I’m struggling to accurately express what I just went through emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I ran away from success to be in uncertainty and ended up living in the middle of the jungle in Sri Lanka with a man who used to serve in the French legion and woke up each morning to the sound of monkeys jumping on our roof.

Bizarre. This word doesn’t even come close to describing those months. Did I have an amazing experience? For sure. Was I really happy? Definitely not. It was a time of transformation and inner work. Real self-development doesn’t come with smiling faces and constant bliss. It means digging deep within yourself, finding your hidden fears and your buried ‘whys’ for your emotional reactions. And when you find them, you have the choice to either look them in the eye and go straight into those fears or you can find another excuse to quietly cover them up with something else to keep peace. You can easily guess which option I chose. So I shattered myself in the middle of the jungle. Looking back, I believe it was a good environment to carry out this exercise, even though it didn’t always feel that way. Whilst there, I felt that I disconnected from myself, that I lost my way somehow while all I wanted to do was to find my real path. Oh, the irony. Life truly has a great sense of humour.

8 months of searching and realigning. Once my mind had an ‘upgrade’ it only took me 1 week to shift gears and change directions. I knew it was the start of a new chapter which meant closing down old patterns and making space for new beginnings. I re-evaluated my principles and priorities. I came up with new goals and visions, but most of all I felt that I came back to myself as an improved version of me.

So even though I’m still struggling to match my thoughts with my emotions I’m certain that this is the aftermath of this significant experience I just went through. Just as the whole journey didn’t make sense while I was experiencing it and the full picture cleared out once I closed down the chapter, it is very likely that my current emotional state will make sense to me a little bit later. And with that thought I put my mind at rest and will stop thinking about what I could call this.

**********

This is a snippet from my upcoming book: All roads lead to Ohm.
I aim to inspire others by sharing not only my eventful stories but life experiences of real characters whom agreed to share the raw, unedited truth.

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Seeing through dark clouds

21/03/2018

She didn’t care what other people would think about it, this was her life and her decisions. No one else can live her life, experience her moments each day. No one but her.

She didn’t understand why this made her feel so good despite battling through a dark phase together. Perhaps she was capable of seeing through the dark clouds and her mind knew that her heart was telling the truth. She just needed to trust the process. She just needed a little more patience to get to experience the bright days as well. Even in this darkness the sun would still break through for moments, some of them were quite long, blissful moments.

These were all that mattered.

She didn’t understand why he was afraid to believe that her feelings were real. Maybe he’s been carrying too much pain inside for too long. Maybe too much disappointment and he might be a little scared of losing it all again. She didn’t need to understand any of this.

She didn’t care how irrational this seemed from the outside. It made her happy somehow. It made her feel that this is a man worthy of her time. Someone she can trust, someone she can care for and be cared for. The simple things, the little things.

These were all that mattered.

She didn’t want to convince anyone, not even herself. If there are some things that can’t be understood but her gut feeling says it is a good thing for her then just let it be. Perhaps she will understand it all one day.

She decided to enjoy it all. Every little moment of it. This was her life, her moments. No one else can feel what she feels each day. No one but her.

Understanding this is what truly matters.

My future memories

This is not a poem. This is aimed to be lyrics for a song. The only obstacle I have is the fact that I have no singing voice. Like nothing at all, unless you want to be tortured then get me to sing. So if you get inspired by my words then feel free to #singmylyrics and link back your video or recording.

Verse 1

Lyrical or hysterical

Fictional or mental

Shut your judgemental instincts

And open your kindness within

You, of course. Who else I’d be talking about?

But now you know there is no way back out

Just keep marching ahead

With your head filled with illusionary images

Limiting your true knowledge

What am I talking about? You still don’t get it?

Wasted thoughts

They have no meaning if they’re not being spoken out loud

Or do they?

Someone must have thought of them

 

Chorus

Drawing up one big circle and washing away the lines of time

Throwing in there all life experiences, watching them all shine

Should I just call it the present or my whole life instead?

When I recollect my future memories do I think in dates and years?

Or do I simply reminisce the events that are still fierce?

 

Verse 2

The limits

Heavy words shoved into a short sentence

Put a question mark at the end

To make it sound more complex

But in reality I’m only speaking about what you thought

Without worrying what my family and friends will know

Or perhaps I’m just creating fiction and these are not my ideas

But simply my imagination running around producing some crazy theories

Or could they be my future memories?

 

Chorus

Drawing up one big circle and washing away the lines of time

Throwing in there all life experiences, watching them all shine

Should I just call it the present or my whole life instead?

When I recollect my future memories do I think in dates and years?

Or do I simply reminisce the events that are still fierce?

 

Verse 3

Tomorrow I did something stupid

My future memories are coming back to me in the past

At last

Watching what I said to my close ones

5 years from now

If I could see it and feel it how would I behave right now?

Would I tell myself that it will be all fine somehow?

Would I pat myself on the back

When all I did was slack?

Dreaming about how the past was in the future

Would it confuse my head?

 

Chorus

Drawing up one big circle and washing away the lines of time

Throwing in there all life experiences, watching them all shine

Should I just call it the present or my whole life instead?

When I recollect my future memories do I think in dates and years?

Or do I simply reminisce the events that are still fierce?

 

Outro

I believe I will remember the feelings better

My past self is nodding and I have nothing against her

So it’s time to decide: feelings or actions?

What’s more important to me: the wholeness or the fractions?

Self-expression 101

I noticed that there is a new function on my Facebook profile. It says ‘Introduce yourself’ to show a bit about myself to my profile visitors. It is prompting me to ‘Describe who you are’. I am given 101 characters to do this. The end of my previous sentence already clocks in at 184 characters, without counting any spaces. How can I truly explain who or ‘what’ I am in such a limited manner? Have we really become so ignorant and lazy that we can’t pay attention to more than 101 characters when we are describing who we really are and what makes us ‘us’?

In addition to the extremely reduced attention span of the “modern human” another thing seriously bothers me. Is it just me who thinks that limiting what we want to say about ourselves will just encourage people to sum up the nicest, most amazing facts that will create another fake sparkle? Isn’t it bad enough that so many people already portray a false image of themselves on social media? I truly wish that we could all be a bit more humble, honest and truthful about ourselves when it comes to our online presence. At the end of the day, digital life has taken over a gigantic chunk of our actual life. It has become part of who we are.

So who am I in 101 characters? Outspoken. Positive. Witty. Clumsy. Thought-challenger. Creative. Occasionally funny. Coffee lover. Rain hater. Confident.

Masks

Camouflaged souls

Wearing different masks can be exhausting. You get confused which one you need to put on or you get so used to some of them that you forget to take them off. People around you do not love you; they love your choice of cover-up. That’s what they see and that’s what they remember when thinking of you. It’s like when you get a wrapped up present and you’re not allowed to open it. You love the wrapping paper, the shininess of the ribbons, the shape of the gift. You don’t know what it’s hiding inside, yet you are so happy with what you see. Take in the falsified information and enjoy the illusion.

And there comes a time when you put on the wrong mask or forget to wear one. Confusion. Demolition. Realisation. They catch a glimpse of your true self and learn that all their beliefs have been a daydream, a
fantasy. You can’t erase the damage, the frustration.

Why can’t you accept who you really are behind that entire masquerade? Just be yourself and show your true face. Be brave enough to show the world all you’ve got without the disguise.