Seven weeks

I felt so proud of myself as I stood my ground and said the words out loud.

If only you knew my heart was beating in my throat.

If only I knew, I would immediately doubt my decision. Back and forth, back and forth, the thoughts are running a weird race in my mind. They try to penetrate my heart, but little do they know that I have mastered building instant walls. Protect when disappointment attacks.

I heard your voice tremble at the other end of the phone when you gave it your best shot to change my mind. But what you didn’t hear was my heart shattering when I read your “please don’t be mad at me” line 3 hours earlier. It’s bizarre how everything can change so fast.

How in just seven short weeks, you made me go from enjoying my careless freedom to sharing my most vulnerable thoughts with you first.

How in just seven short weeks, you went from being a notification on my phone to the person all my friends were rooting for.

How in just seven short weeks we fucked it all up.

Hope for Humanity

Leave a reply

The flickering
The flickering
The flickering light.

What’s it gonna take to push you
Down the page into a history book?
Without the troops,
Without the bruised
Egos, you know you should
Stand up to what’s right for humanity
Right for our sanity
Instead of chasing vanity metrics
You are tearing down the gates of the Matrix
Like a burnt out dominatrix
You drop the pretence
As you relax into speaking the truth
We can’t win this fight without the youth
Without you
Without me
Without the unity
That could be: we.

The flickering
The flickering
The flickering hope.

What’s it gonna take to say “no more”?
Our rights stripped back in plain sight
Is not something we had on our bingo cards
Is my voice just another noise
In your over-stimulated brain?
Or can you erase the hate
Instead of just scrolling with no aim?
It’s insane how we became digitally enslaved
Believing we’re fighting wars with two taps
Too sad
Too late for trends
The freedom of our future is slipping
Right under our fingers
With each scroll and silent anger
We’re silencing our collective anchor
When does it stop?

The flickering
The flickering
The flickering love.

What’s it gonna take to feel we’re enough?
“Down the rabbit hole” is above ground
Without judgment
Without adjustment
We could breathe freely side by side
If only we truly tried
And not be tired of the unnecessary hate
We create to keep us separated
This now stops! It starts with us
Saying no more to manipulation,
Limitation and oppressed truths
You know how this unfolds already
When you’re ready to love with equality
But when we label each other
And don’t trust what makes us “us”
The rabbit hole closes up
Leaving Alice forever lost

The flickering
The flickering
The flickering.

You decide if it’s still flickering.

Soul on fire

Leave a reply

Something in my soul caught on fire. And it’s burning down all the dusty corners, destroying walls that were never supposed to collapse.

Brick after brick, they are falling into the void of forgotten beliefs, hitting hard the floor of my most hidden parts. Every whoosh, every slam, every clank makes my heart beat differently. Not faster, not slower. Differently, yet it feels strangely familiar. Where do I know this beat from? The way these bricks break in half when they crumble to the depth of my soul is familiar yet all so new at the same time. How can something this new bring me memories I am not able to recall?

Are they my future memories? Are they illusions dressed up in hope and faith? Or could they simply be the parts of me that wanted to feel liberated for so long?

My soul is on fire. But I’m not panicking. Rather, I feel amused. And a tiny bit annoyed. I was expecting my soul to be grieving for a little longer than this. How is it possible to have these vivid colours painting a new masterpiece inside my gallery of fine art already? I just put up the “under construction” sign and now I’m making space for a new exhibitor? The bricks are falling. The sound of crumbling is getting louder.

Even though it’s terrifying, I’m not running to safety. I step right into the flame and look at this new-familiar thing in the eye. Show me what you’ve got! Show me what I’ve been running away from for so long. The bricks are falling. The sound of crumbling wants me to take cover in the safest corner of my soul. But everything’s on fire. I can’t hide. I can’t run. I can’t beat this with a logical plan.

I get paralysed as I watch my old patterns burst into flames. I taste the saltiness of my tears as they roll down to my smiling lips. I let out the deepest exhale, which cracks something in my neck that sends a release into my shoulders.

These bricks were too heavy. Too hard. Too useless.

My soul is on fire. And finally, I can breathe again.

Sentences without words

Leave a reply

In the real depth of thought, I found myself listening.

Hearing my true voice that lifts me back to where I belong. If I could turn the volume up, would anyone else hear it too? The sentences without words. The sounds of honesty and truth.

Walking through graphite clouds, slashing my way through them, I find myself staring up. Seeing above what’s beneath them. Wait! How can I possibly see what’s below when I’m gazing upwards? Is that a mirror reflecting it all back, or is it a spiral shape after all?

A crowd of questions come knocking on my door. Answerless questions. Soundless voices and shapeless forms. Don’t get alarmed, this is a beautiful scenario. Smiles within the eyes, lightness in the hearts, acceptance in the souls.

Maybe you’re wondering what this mumbled-up idea means, but I need to be honest with you: it is not written with this aim. I have no intention to deliberately confuse you. I just simply know that very few of you will understand what I’m explaining. And that is perfectly okay. No need to be any more specific.

If you had to understand this, then I’ll greet you with my oldest smile.

If you got confused, then I shall greet you with a newer smile.

(written on 22nd January 2017)

Trigger of ignorance

Leave a reply

On the road to Zion, the sirens are filling up our streets.
Inside our walls we are disconnected, searching for retreats.
Hiding our real beliefs behind screens and ring lights,
Slowly waving goodbye to our human rights.
While our fights are going nowhere.

Loud voices but where’s the action?
Big statements but no progression.
The anger inside us ignites within 2 seconds
Yet we don’t grasp the reality of modern weapons
Our attention after 2 seconds, you know it’s where.

Shots are fired deep into the core of your mind
And your only reaction is: “I’m all right”
Get up, stand up, look at yourself!
Look at me, holding the gun to my head.
The trigger of ignorance blows my brain where?

I want kindness to splatter all over you when I shoot,
I want empathy dripping off of your new jacket. How cute.
I want compassion to drench your freshly cut hair,
I want unconditional love to stain your designer chair.
I just don’t know about freedom. It’s going where?

This is no longer black and white.
This is no longer left and right.
This is a page in a history book
We can edit it now or we’re cooked.
The nowhere is now here.

Break-up etiquette

Leave a reply

After a break up who gets custody of the inside jokes, the going-to-bed routines and the Netflix account? Who’s going to say first: “This couple we loved hanging out with are now my friends, not yours”? How do you decide when to leave the family chat? Should you even? You loved those silly videos and memes in that group so much. Why should you rob yourself of that moving forward? But deep inside you know already: that group chat will remain silent from now on.

Who gets to keep adding new songs to the Spotify liked list?
Who will ever be able to play Scrabble again without the memories rushing back?
Who can have coffee from the mug that weirdly represented us like it’s no big deal?

In what are you going to sleep now if not his old T-shirts? What do you do with them? Throw them out? Give them to charity?

When do you change your relationship status on Facebook instead of just changing it to the ‘only I can see it’ view?

When a relationship ends, what hurts on a different level is the loss of connections to others that we get to experience through our partner. Or more like with our partner. I’m writing these sentences while wiping tears and snot off my face as I realise I won’t ever have those group chat giggles anymore. I won’t ever have those philosophical conversations until 2 in the morning with our friends. I won’t ever be the one responsible for finding the right Spotify playlist that has a bit of everything in it for all of us. That somehow blends hip-hop, rock, and jazz with just a small dash of pop-house-reggae-soul-blues-drum’n’base-electro. I won’t ever be the one to watch him cook while I ask mind-bending questions.

What else are you losing when you lose a great love? A real one.

I’m usually on the other side of this scenario. I’m the one who walks away from something that might not have a future even when the love is still there. The amount of times I’ve done that is not something I’m proud of but I always made sure it was gentle and the least amount of hurtful for the other person. But this one wasn’t.

After 5 years of moments-building, challenge-fighting and comfort-zone-pushing, the end felt unnatural, unethical and most of all unexpected.

So what do you do when nothing bad happened but all of it now suddenly feels bad?

If you question why you didn’t listen to that voice in your head to walk away while it was still good?

You’ll never know.

All you know now is the myriad of questions you were unprepared for.

Daddy’s princess

Leave a reply

I just want to be Daddy’s little girl I never was.

I don’t know how it feels when a strong man protects you, when he puts his arms around you and says “it will be OK, I got you”.

I don’t know what it looks like when it’s the man who takes care of the responsibilities.

I don’t know what it means to rely on a man to fix things around the house.

I don’t know why it’s not normal that I hide my emotions.

I don’t know why it’s wrong that I don’t ask for help when I really need it.

I don’t know how I find the energy to always over-achieve and to win, no matter what.

I don’t know why I feel I’m not good enough.

I don’t know how to show the whole world that I’m unique, interesting and lovable.

I don’t know what makes me the wounded artist when I’m fine, okay?!

And now, I really don’t know how to tell him I’m scared of losing him. What if he dies while I’m trying to figure out how to be Daddy’s little princess at the age of 38?

All I want, still, is to give him all my love even when I don’t know how to show it.

But quietly, I’m curled up in the invisible corner of my heart. I pull my knees to my chest as my sobs make my breathing uncontrollable.

I don’t want him to exit my life this way. We still have so much to work through. So much to untangle, rekindle, deconstruct.

Those crumbles I got from him fed my soul like the finest French cuisine I ever experienced. But then I remember the things I do know.

I know how it feels when I’m comforting myself saying “it will be okay, I got you”.

I know I can handle all my responsibilities.

I know which screwdriver to use.

I now know that having feelings doesn’t mean I’m weak.

I now know that I don’t always have to be the strongest and it’s okay to receive help.

I now know that losing doesn’t mean I’m a loser.

I now know that I can believe I am good enough. This one won’t happen overnight but I’m doing my best to truly believe this.

I now know I have no one to prove my worth to.

But here I am. Trying to prove my own worth to myself.

I’ve been running around for too long with a tiara in my hand with nowhere to place it.

No longer The One

Leave a reply

When I said let’s plan our goals together, you said not today, you’re tired.

Tired of trying to live up to your imaginary expectations when in fact, all you did was latch onto me for support.

Tired of feeling sorry for yourself for not feeling like a man.
Whatever that means in your dictionary. Because honestly, I was the one playing the role of the man in this relationship for 5 years.

I was the one who fixed the broken sink.

I was the one who reset the gas boiler.

I was the one who paid the rent.

I was the one who bought those concert tickets.

I was the one who had the money to buy the Jeep.

I was the one who sweet-talked to agents.

I was the one who carried the responsibilities.

While you were the one who cooked dinners.

You were the one who did the laundry.

You were the one who wanted to cuddle.

You were the one who felt insecure about your body.

You were the one who said we’re done.

And now we are no longer One.

The first cracks of the end

Leave a reply

[26th October 2024]

That disturbed feeling after an argument.

It’s like your mind has malfunctioned and your heart has been washed out with bleach. The pain, the anger and the disappointment infill every hidden corner of your soul. The dried tears in the corner of your eyes mixed with mascara give you an itch. You don’t want to scratch it but you can’t resist. Just like you couldn’t resist saying out loud those deeply buried thoughts. Those little layers of annoyance which suddenly inflated into a giant bubble of anger. Then it suddenly burst open without your control. Bamm. Off it went, along with all of your hurtful words. The damage is done to both parties. Is it beyond repair? Or can we still slap a band-aid over it and pretend nothing happened? But that’s not me. I can’t play pretend. I can only be raw and real. No games, no tactics.

So how do we know when an argument is fully over? Do we wait x amount of hours or days or is there a universal protocol I don’t know about? I’m not used to this. Until now, I’ve been doing my best to eliminate the potential of any arguments arising. Talk it out calmly, openly, and intelligently. This has been my motto in relationships and it worked most of the time. But today, he brought out the worst in me. The ugly side which isn’t kind or considerate. And it’s definitely not calm. The suppressed anger and disappointment erupted from me today. I saw another side of him which he used to tell me stories about as part of his past persona.

Until today, I haven’t met this side of him. Almost 5 years went by until he pulled the curtain back on this trick of his. I mean, good job hiding it for so long. But what I saw today is not something I need in my life. It’s not something I want in my life. There isn’t enough amount of love in this world to justify this hurtful behaviour. This is not the man I fell in love with. And if it turns out that this is the real him, then I’ll have to make a painful decision.

Till our energies pop

Leave a reply

That wagging tail, that paw, that burst of unconditional love
These creatures are sent from above
Not to protect us from danger, no,
That’s not their purpose, no no
Nobody questions why they’re really here but

What if their mission is to lift us up?
All the way up
Without a stop
To the top
Till our energies pop
All the way up,
All the way up,
All the way up,
Till our energies pop

They don’t care about your car, your title
Or how much you’re entitled to
Toxic households, loving households
They just as equally love you
Do we even deserve this purity?
This simplicity?
This felicity?
It’s like golden electricity rushing through our souls
This buzz…what it does is open our hearts

What if their mission is to lift us up?
All the way up
Without a stop
To the top
Till our energies pop
All the way up,
All the way up,
All the way up,
Till our energies pop

That guilt in you
when you
didn’t take them for a walk
Because of the rain
And you tried to explain that
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain
But life is not like My Fair Lady
And that’s not a tragedy
You have the power to change your reality,
Your actions, your feelings
To open your heart towards another being

Oh, wouldn’t that be nice?
Oh, wouldn’t that be nice?
To love without a sacrifice?

Without having to justify your choice
Just you being you, just you being you
Isn’t that what dogs teach us the most?
To be our real selves when everyone else folds

What if their mission is to lift us up?
All the way up
Without a stop
To the top
Till our energies pop
All the way up,
All the way up,
All the way up,
Till our energies pop

This life is not a game of poker
But remember, you have the jolly joker
Always in your hand
But don’t wait till the end to play
That hand if you want to expand
Your mind
And you might
Just unite
With humanity sooner
Because separation is a tumour
That grows inside anger
So let go of the grudges and just be
Like the doggies, with a burst of
Unconditional love
And rise above
The social conditioning

What if YOUR mission is to lift us up?
All the way up
Without a stop
To the top
Till our energies pop
All the way up,
All the way up,
All the way up,
Till our energies pop

brainfused

Short stories and fragments from the mind of Timi Orosz

Seven weeks

Hope for Humanity

Soul on fire

Sentences without words

Break-up etiquette

Daddy’s princess

No longer The One

The first cracks of the end

Till our energies pop

Dare to share?

Dare to share?

Dare to share?

Dare to share?

Dare to share?

Dare to share?

Dare to share?

Dare to share?

Dare to share?

Dare to share?