Tag Archives: consciousness

Layers of love

I loved so many times in so many different ways. I loved until it hurt, I loved until it shone, I loved until I travelled to different dimensions, I loved until I went back to the past, I loved until I smiled, I loved until I remembered, I loved until I hoped, I loved until it went quiet, I loved until it went loud and I loved until I loved myself. And now I just love. I love everything and everyone, I love the joy, I love the pain, I love the light, I love the dark.

I love all parts of me which are all of you around me. I love the doubting thoughts in my mind and the reassuring mantras that spread calmness all over my being. I love how your voice takes over my whole existence, my breathing, my heartbeat, my belief system.

I love how you, out of this big crowd became a singular beam of energy. I don’t love all of these things because of you, but with you in my light and my shadow, I learnt to love all of this around me even more. You are my amplifier. Because of you, I sharpened my vision, I enhanced the exposure, I coloured in the grey areas.

My mission with you is clear to me: to show you how magnificent you are, how powerful and ancient you are but most importantly to just let you be. It’s not my task to show you any of this, my task is to be there with you, supporting you on your journey while you realise this. To create a home for you and me where we can take a relaxed breath from all of our missions in life. I want to give you roots, give stability and the safety of home.  

Time

18.12.2019

Time was not supposed to go this way
Behind the veil you know that it’s astray
Those countless times, could you really ever count them?
Twice the pleasure but how many times the truth: 8-9 or 10?
When you grasp the reality that comes with an expiration date
And no matter how much you fight it, you can’t escape your fate

This might feel a bit too dark so maybe I should stop

Stop showing you that you need to embrace the darkness
Because without it you can never see the brightness
Shining through the black background. That’s how you see the light.
Light up my face
When you embrace
Your hidden parts
Are divisions of art.
Articulate your desires in life
It just might
Bring it to surface
And you can surf through this.

This whole experience called life
Will show you what you’re really about.

So how did we end up here analysing our actions?
Starting to feel so deep about the consequences of life’s fractions
Maybe we are just too out of this world to explain our feelings
And restricted by words to tell everyone the real meaning.
I don’t mean to annoy you with my thoughts
And there are so many of us
Feeling the same way
When we say mayday.

Where is the rescue to save us from our visions?
To keep us grounded in our ambitious missions?

Time was not supposed to go this way
Behind the veil you know that it’s astray
We are impatient because we feel the change knocking on our doors
And we’re not sure who will fight with us during these upcoming wars.

Sent Away/ Liah’s secret

14.02.2019

Sometimes I wonder if he knows the truth about me. His snarky comebacks make me question my ability of keeping my secret hidden. Buried deep within my soul and thoughts. My brother can never find out that I am one of them. For his own sake. It would only be fuel to fire. Brian is already known for his short temper and rebellious attitude. I’m terrified to even imagine what he would do if he knew I am a Hybrid. A voluntary Hybrid actually.

I wanted to make a change, I felt an urge to save our dying, overpopulated planet. When I pressed the ‘send’ button of my application for becoming a Change Leader, I swallowed down my fears. I knew that I can never reveal my true identity. 6 years ago when I volunteered, the ‘1/24’ rule was already in place for a decade which meant all humans of Earth had to carry out at least 1 good deed every 24 hours. Either towards another human or to the environment.

Humanity has long been lost on our overcrowded planet. As a Change Leader my mission is to help bring humanity and humility back while getting rid of the ‘unwanted characters’. Those humans who don’t commit to daily good deeds are not wanted here anymore. There are too many of us and not enough resources and supplies. We simply make sure that people care a bit more. If not then they get sent away from Earth for good. They become the ‘Unwanted’. We do give them 3 chances though before they are removed from this planet but I will tell you about the whole process a little bit later. First let me introduce myself. (I probably should have done this already, excuse my manners).

My name is Liah, a voluntary Hybrid and Change Leader. And this is my story about how I made a big fuck up in the system that caused the first murder committed by a non-human. So much for making a change.

J, this is what you meant

So many thoughts are swirling around within a pool of heavy emotions within me. How can something get rooted so deep inside your soul in such a short amount of time?

I guess you had no idea just how deep those roots really were. I can’t blame you, I’m not exactly vocal when expressing my feelings. But my emotions were there for you to see: when I closed my mouth and just listened for hours to absorb some of your pain. When I opened my mouth and told you how powerful your soul is and how much potential you truly have. When I got un-comfy just to get you a glass of water because that was what you needed. When I covered you in a blanket when you were fast asleep already with the AC still on. When I watched those documentaries with you to try to understand you better. When I took a backseat to let you be in control. Those were the moments that made my soul light up, that made my heart shimmer and made my mind stop.

I guess you had no idea just how much I really enjoyed our philosophical debates. When you set my brain on fire, you made me feel alive and more attracted to you than you could ever imagine. I felt your intelligence making its way through my bloodstream making my heart pump faster. Those were the moments when I felt the closest to the raw you.

I guess you had no idea how impatiently I was counting down the hours to be spending time with you. To do nothing in particular but just to feel your energy. Just to play with your hand between my fingers or to get lost for a moment in your gaze.

I guess you also had no idea how much I struggled to make this work. How much pain you caused me while pushing me away unintentionally. How many chances I had given this to work is beyond my rational mind. That’s how I knew that my feelings were truly real and raw. They conquered my logic countless times. Shutting me out from your vulnerable space made me feel that I was not worthy for you to enter that sacred place. Slipping back into your bad habits made me question if we are ever going to get really aligned. Were we even looking into the same direction? I’ll never know. What I do know is that these few months have shaped my life and despite the pain, I also got a different level of caring from you. I’ll be ever so grateful for those moments.

I guess I had to experience multiple heartbreaks with you in such a short amount of time to love you even deeper. And to eventually to love me even deeper. To realise that when two people love each other that might not be all what it takes to build a healthy partnership.

So J, what you meant to me was something I’ve never had before. Something so strange, so intense, so painful, so full of drama and so fiery. So satisfying yet so not enough. So ambivalent and so confusing.

When I walked away from you for the last time I was hurt but mostly I was angry at myself that I let you make me feel worthless. The way you talked to me was not something I could shove into one of those ‘guess you had no idea’ boxes.

(I guess I realised my real worth.)

Sri Lanka Unawatuna sunset

Book in progress: All roads lead to Ohm II

Chapter III

Choose carefully

(When trying to find myself meant loosing myself.)


As I was sitting on the terrace of our jungle home, surrounded by beautiful nature I couldn’t understand why I felt so empty inside. Not just empty but I couldn’t really feel anything at all.

I wasn’t sad nor was I struggling with depression. I knew too well what that felt like as I battled through it in my early twenties when I still lived in the UK. But that’s another story. This time around I just felt sort of numb emotionally and it really frustrated me mentally. I knew that this is not the real me, not the cheerful, life-loving, always-a-bit-too-excited me. So who was me? Why did I allow myself to sunk into this mental state?

One thing you probably need to know about me: I tend to live too much inside my head. Even though I would like to think I function based on intuition, that’s just a side effect of when I truly commit to working on myself. In reality I’m in a constant battle between logic and feelings. And by feelings I mean that little stomach-turning gut feeling we all have inside us that we know we should really listen to. Sometimes we refer to it as the voice in our head. See why it gets confusing?

Gut feeling = voice in our head. Thinking = feeling. Thinking vs feeling.

We separate the two when in fact they are the same. Depending on your belief system you might feel comfortable with one or the other. And a lot has to do with it in spiritual terms as well, sorry to break this to you. If you resonate more with consciousness, metaphysics, eastern philosophies you are most likely locate your “inner guidance” somewhere near your brain, your mind, your thinking. If you are more aligned with the principles of ancient teachings or mainstream religion then you’re likely to feel closer to that gut feeling ideology.

Let me say one thing as a disclaimer here: I definitely have no evidence on this theory, I haven’t done any research nor there is any scientific proof of this. It’s nothing but what that little something inside me is telling me. You decide if it is my gut feeling or the voice in my head. All I’m trying to tell you is that you don’t need to fully understand what that thing is. If it sits well with you, then go with it. Don’t care what others will think about it, no one else is going to live your life the way you do. It’s yours to play with.

So there I was, surrounded with palm trees, sunny days in winter time, watching monkeys jumping from one tree to another, yet I felt nothing. I have to tell you, I really tried. I tried to admire all of that, to notice the beauty in the little things, they were just not getting through to me. I had some kind of a shield that kept away joy from bursting through into my emotions. At the time I didn’t understand the reason, it took me about 4-5 months to be able to realise what was happening within me. Let this be a little reminder that life works that way. We tend to understand its events backwards, once they are in the past is when we truly get where certain things were leading us to or what they were teaching us. What I realised those crucial 4-5 months later was that my entire mindset was pulled into another state by the influence of an another human being. Unintentionally. He didn’t mean to bring me down with him however it still happened without me realising it at the time. Was it his fault? Not at all. I choose to be there and I allowed him to drain the fun out of me. Now I understand why but this is where this story gets important for you. What you surround yourself with will have a major impact on your life. Be it a friendship, a relationship, a situation, a job, a location, whatever it is, it will contribute to how you feel about yourself and how you look at life.

The good news is that you have all the power to remove yourself from certain environments. If something is not serving you, you can make adjustments to be where you really want to be mentally and emotionally. Is it scary? Hell yes. Is it worth it? Only if you want to have an enjoyable ride on this planet. So choose carefully.

It’s time

11/12/2018

Extending our 24-hour time restricted day…

So many people say ‘I don’t have time for that’. And it has been said numerous times before me that we have time for what we make time for. But. What if some of us don’t have the basic required means to do what we really would like to do? And I’m not talking about luxury experiences here. Taking a day off to relax our mind might not be possible for someone who works 7 days a week in an undeveloped country for such a low wage that is barely enough to cover survival needs. Going for dinner in a restaurant? Out of the question for these people. Yet they have such strength and calmness. They do not worry what tomorrow will bring because they only enjoy the present day. They’re grateful to experience today. Then another today and another until years have passed. These kind of people are scared to dream.

How can they develop an ambitious mindset when they don’t see any opportunities getting lost when suddenly coming their way? These people truly embrace every 24-hour, every moment, every millisecond. They cherish life. Their 24-hour feels longer. No, not because they are suffering, not at all. These people might live in poverty or a near poverty environment, yet they are happy. They appreciate the smallest things that most of us walk by. A genuine smile, the taste of ripe fruit, the smooth breeze on our skins, an honest conversation. Being fully present and fully experiencing every moment what extends their 24-hours.

Hidden symmetry

Hidden symmetry
Deep rooted hidden geometrical patterns can emerge from our daily events. Even for the trained eye it’s challenging to notice them. But once you catch a glimpse of it then magnificent truths can unfold.

Truths that were in front of us all along, yet we managed to keep our sight blind. What decides the timing of discovery? What process takes place within us that switches the latch to the ready position? Is it even an internal process? Or does something external rips off the blindfold from our forehead? Maybe the answers are not so clear. They are slightly morphed into each other creating a foggy environment. Mind-cloud. Add some emotions to the mix s well to find yourself at the gates of eternal questioning. Philosophical debates with yourself with no winning argument. It’s a forever-draw inside the mind-cloud.

How did we end up here? Let me recap.

Blindfold ripped off, searching for the how, feeling our way through emotions. Gates.

Should we want to take a sudden spin and start walking back away from here, we then realise that the path has vanished. No other options, must open the gates. One step at a time, one step at a time.

Wavelengths

Being on the same wavelength: such a descriptive expression. We only truly understand its meaning once we go through that experience. Feeling our way through that experience. Your rational mind falls deep into a shutdown to give space to the waves. Multiple waves floating individually at a slow pace, gently making their path of movement closer to each other into a complete alignment. Taking up the same shape and creating a peaceful pulsing so powerful that it melts time. Doesn’t just simply stop it, as when you stop something, it comes with a forced action. Whereas ‘melting it away’ is a continuous process. A steady change in the rhythm. A moment of expansion.
We know that cause and effect is inevitable even though we do not understand the effect yet however we are certain that there are or there will be consequences. Conquering that fear of consequences is a major step into our true selves. Our own individual selves. Every time we take another step, another alignment within us, we create more waves. These newly formed waves start pulsing together in complete harmony, strengthening the older, pre-existing waves. Building, expanding, learning and creating. And when we take a look at this process in a linear way, we will see that eventually the mutually created waves will outnumber the individual ones. Oneness without clichés and without forced actions.

Science vs. spirituality

Encrypted messages are running through my mind. The more I decipher them the deeper into the darkness I go. With each sentence I’m pulling myself further down. I wonder how can the majority of people be so oblivious to their lives? How can they simply smile and not question their fulfilment? Most likely I’m the one who will get stamped with the ‘strange’ title.

Why am I seeking a meaning, a purpose and why am I breaking my brain cells trying to analyse what the hell I’m supposed to learn? Yes, I accepted that life gives me exactly what I need, yet I can’t comprehend to make it fit into the chain of events that’s called my life. Using some rationale thinking I know that the epiphany of understanding is always delayed. But this is when I break my brain a bit. I do know that time as we know it is an illusion. It’s not linear. So if it’s not linear then how can I be certain that the understanding is ‘delayed’? Delayed means that something happens at a later time. If there is no linearity then how can something be delayed? This paradox gives me a headache.

I’m fighting an ambivalent battle within me: science versus spirituality. These two must collide and eventually align. So many heavy truths came out of both fields. I simply don’t believe that they were meant to be looked at from two separate angles. There must be a degree where they sit together, pointing to an even bigger truth. And that truth somehow lies within me, I just can’t figure it out yet.

Every time I ponder what my greater purpose is in this life, I somehow end up here. Trying to mix science with spiritual thinking. Science is logical, factual, it gives some sort of structure. It’s black and white. Spirituality gives it some life. Some colours. It colours in the facts.

An even greater headache kicks in and I even end up struggling from dizziness. I’m starting to feel frustrated as I can’t bring this knowledge to surface.

Time for change

While it is great seeing that I have connections with generous people whom are posting about the donations they are making towards charities during this period, it makes me wonder: why is it that we need a reason like Christmas to do this? And before you call me hypocrite, yes I am just as guilty as they are. It was only this morning that I transferred some money to a bank account of a charity supporting people with mental health issues. It makes me question myself as well: why don’t I have this urge to give back in May? In August? I could now stand up for myself and say that actually I do, which is true, however I have to admit that I am definitely more generous this time of the year. I wish we could somehow drag this attitude out to last 12 months rather than 2 weeks per year.

So for those of us who plan our goals for the following year: how about using this inspiration we feel right now to reflect in our next year’s plans? How about making a conscious decision that instead of the peak of our giving-back in December to be spread over 12 months? Maybe it won’t make a huge difference…at first. But! If at least some of us will start this new habit, eventually others will follow as we have the power to influence by showing an example.

So I start. I hereby publicly declare that from 2018 onwards I will be paying more attention to helping out the ones in need. It doesn’t matter how we do it: either by paying for someone else’s meal, donating our time to a charity, helping out someone with a challenge, telling someone how wonderful they really are, getting behind a volunteer organisation’s objective or simply letting someone jump the queue because they can’t miss their flight. Whatever it is, if it will make another person smile for a while then it is worth it.

My personal goal for 2018 is simply to bring more smiles into this world. Because it will just make it a better place to live in for all of us 🙂

If you agree with this then I encourage you to spread the message. And I don’t mean just by sharing this. Yes that would help getting this out to as many of us as possible so I will be grateful if you do it, but I also encourage you to at least try to adapt a similar attitude that suits YOUR life. #timeforchange