She didn’t care what other people would think about it, this was her life and her decisions. No one else can live her life, experience her moments each day. No one but her.
She didn’t understand why this made her feel so good despite battling through a dark phase together. Perhaps she was capable of seeing through the dark clouds and her mind knew that her heart was telling the truth. She just needed to trust the process. She just needed a little more patience to get to experience the bright days as well. Even in this darkness the sun would still break through for moments, some of them were quite long, blissful moments.
These were all that mattered.
She didn’t understand why he was afraid to believe that her feelings were real. Maybe he’s been carrying too much pain inside for too long. Maybe too much disappointment and he might be a little scared of losing it all again. She didn’t need to understand any of this.
She didn’t care how irrational this seemed from the outside. It made her happy somehow. It made her feel that this is a man worthy of her time. Someone she can trust, someone she can care for and be cared for. The simple things, the little things.
These were all that mattered.
She didn’t want to convince anyone, not even herself. If there are some things that can’t be understood but her gut feeling says it is a good thing for her then just let it be. Perhaps she will understand it all one day.
She decided to enjoy it all. Every little moment of it. This was her life, her moments. No one else can feel what she feels each day. No one but her.
How do we realise that we’re going through a changing process? When does it switch on in our mind that this is it, something going on right now? Until this moment, I never managed to grab onto the process and consciously enjoy the ride. I only noticed the changes within me after they took place and settled. But right now, I’m fully aware of the fact that something deep within me is turning. Like an ancient wooden wheel being steered into a different angle. It’s not a smooth movement. It’s making a crackling sound, gets stiff every now and then and it needs a harder push to change its position.
I believe in something, I speak it as my truth, yet I have an internal battle when it comes to action time. I’m shedding my old skin, the very same skin I firmly believed I shed already. Yet it’s still stuck on me. Ripping it off bit by bit is a painful process but it needs to be done. What’s emerging underneath is still unknown to me. Endless number of questions are swirling inside my head, around my soul and within my heart. How do I bring them into one clear focus point? I’m not sure. I just have to trust the process. To know, deep within, that the answers will arrive I’m ready, when I need them. Until then I let go of doubts and fear. I go straight through this terrifying experience and embrace the uncertainty. I feel that I started walking my true path even though I don’t see the road yet.