Tag Archives: art

J, this is what you meant

So many thoughts are swirling around within a pool of heavy emotions within me. How can something get rooted so deep inside your soul in such a short amount of time?

I guess you had no idea just how deep those roots really were. I can’t blame you, I’m not exactly vocal when expressing my feelings. But my emotions were there for you to see: when I closed my mouth and just listened for hours to absorb some of your pain. When I opened my mouth and told you how powerful your soul is and how much potential you truly have. When I got un-comfy just to get you a glass of water because that was what you needed. When I covered you in a blanket when you were fast asleep already with the AC still on. When I watched those documentaries with you to try to understand you better. When I took a backseat to let you be in control. Those were the moments that made my soul light up, that made my heart shimmer and made my mind stop.

I guess you had no idea just how much I really enjoyed our philosophical debates. When you set my brain on fire, you made me feel alive and more attracted to you than you could ever imagine. I felt your intelligence making its way through my bloodstream making my heart pump faster. Those were the moments when I felt the closest to the raw you.

I guess you had no idea how impatiently I was counting down the hours to be spending time with you. To do nothing in particular but just to feel your energy. Just to play with your hand between my fingers or to get lost for a moment in your gaze.

I guess you also had no idea how much I struggled to make this work. How much pain you caused me while pushing me away unintentionally. How many chances I had given this to work is beyond my rational mind. That’s how I knew that my feelings were truly real and raw. They conquered my logic countless times. Shutting me out from your vulnerable space made me feel that I was not worthy for you to enter that sacred place. Slipping back into your bad habits made me question if we are ever going to get really aligned. Were we even looking into the same direction? I’ll never know. What I do know is that these few months have shaped my life and despite the pain, I also got a different level of caring from you. I’ll be ever so grateful for those moments.

I guess I had to experience multiple heartbreaks with you in such a short amount of time to love you even deeper. And to eventually to love me even deeper. To realise that when two people love each other that might not be all what it takes to build a healthy partnership.

So J, what you meant to me was something I’ve never had before. Something so strange, so intense, so painful, so full of drama and so fiery. So satisfying yet so not enough. So ambivalent and so confusing.

When I walked away from you for the last time I was hurt but mostly I was angry at myself that I let you make me feel worthless. The way you talked to me was not something I could shove into one of those ‘guess you had no idea’ boxes.

(I guess I realised my real worth.)

Sexual art

26/01/2018

It was not a game we played, yet I feel like I lost

When we rolled the dice
We realised
What we wanted the most
Was what we have lost
The effect came afterwards of course
We didn’t think it through, I suppose
But it’s too late now to undo this
As my lips shiver for just one more kiss
How I imagine your fingers dig into my neck
There’s no way we can ever go back

The frequency of your voice
Sends me into a shock
My body vibrates
Blood pressure on high rates
Muscles tighten up
Your palm becomes a cup
Holding body parts
It’s sexual art

A whiff of your scent sets fire to my nerves
And the desire to feel your body on me burns
It burns through my rational thoughts and judgement
You breath in, I breathe out, no need for adjustment
Time eventually ceases
Our connection increases
I exhale the sweet sounds of joy
You watch me elevate and shake, enjoy!

The frequency of your voice
Sends me into a shock
My body vibrates
Blood pressure on high rates
Muscles tighten up
Your palm becomes a cup
Holding body parts
It’s sexual art

Just when I think I can’t take it anymore
You pull me closer into you, encore
But the best part is not the multiple joy
Not even the fact that I completely lost control
But it’s the truth that we united and became one
Without you in my life I’m absolutely undone.

The white fire

30/12/2016

Stop trying to organise your thoughts,
Trying too hard will not take you too far.
Simply let them float around inside your mind
But be prepared for what you might find
Are you truly ready to hear the truth?
Or are you still fighting your battle within you?

There is no right or wrong timing in your life,
How could it be when there is no time?

An illusion sucking us into a pattern,
Strapping us down so we fail to get better.
Break yourself free from these imaginary chains,
And accept that everything needs to change.
It won’t always be a fun, joyful process,
But know that it’s the only way to get to your fortress.

There is a tremendous amount of noise along this journey,
It’s your task to filter it out; can you feel the burning?

Let it burn you down to the ground where you belong.
The flames.
The smoke.
The brightness of the darkness.
The white fire.
Sweat drops.
Steaming.

Feel the ashes of your illusions slipping through your fingers,
Look at your biggest fear in the eyes as it lingers.

Now you’re ready to hear what you really need to.
Enjoy this peaceful void that you’re falling into.

That’s all

31/07/2018

I’m not mad at you
I don’t feel anger nor any hurt
My soul just seeks answers
It wants to see the truth and nothing else,
That’s all.

I am not mad at any of you
Your actions are not my path
They purely belong to you,
Nobody else. I just keep ‘the one’ eye to see reality,
That’s all.

I am not mad at myself either
Every event is another lesson
Learning is a beautiful journey
It goes deeper each time to bring more light,
That’s all.

I am not mad at the world either
This is not a poem nor modern art
There are no structured rhymes here
Don’t let the shape of this fool you; it’s a reality illusion.

That’s all.