Author Archives: brainfused

About brainfused

Big dreamer, positive thinker. Thought-storm provoker, magic creator.

Book in progress: All roads lead to Ohm

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Chapter III

Recap of past years

Looking back on my last few years, even I feel a little surprised how much happened to me. I went through so many experiences and my life changed so often that most people don’t experience this much change in an entire lifetime. While I was in the middle of the process of each situation that was shaping the path of my life, I didn’t realise just how transformational these events were. We need to stop every once in a while to evaluate what we went through and how we improved or what we achieved.


I used to have a tendency to not recognise my own success, to not pat myself on the back occasionally. It didn’t feel right for me to do that. I didn’t want to put myself on the pedestal as I was constantly fighting against my ego and I was consciously trying to dissociate from it, to shatter it into pieces. Once I understood that our ego needs to be understood and managed, not completely destroyed, I realised that I didn’t give myself enough credit. I didn’t know my real worth, I repeatedly ‘undersold’ myself. Knowing your worth and the value you can bring is vital in every area of your life. Be it a job, a relationship or a social commitment, you need to understand where you can position yourself. Not from a superficial point of view as in how others see you and what you portray yourself as but to fully understand where you are standing along your journey. How much knowledge you have, how much value you can add and how you can serve best.


At the end of the day, if you live your life to the full then it’s all about service. That doesn’t mean you need to be in a subordinate role, no not at all. Serving others, serving a community, serving a cause and most importantly serving to fulfil your own desires. These are the things that matter. Either from a business point of view or a personal inspiration, prioritising the service aspect of the process, you will achieve long-lasting results. For example, a business that truly puts customer satisfaction first will thrive within its competition as it will have happy customers who will not only return for more business but will also recommend the service or product happily to others. But hold on for a second, I got a bit side tracked with my story. I wanted to share with you how much happened to me in these past few years, that triggered my need for becoming ‘homeless’ for a while. To have no fixed address and just to go with the flow of life for a while. How I went from having the perfect life (on paper) to living out of a backpack because of that one thought on 4th April 2018. I was a CEO of a start company, I was living in a beautiful 2-bedroom apartment on my own, driving a BMW, ate in restaurants pretty much every day or had my food prepared and delivered to me, had some really good friends yet one day I said I’m not happy and threw my lifestyle away to seek some kind of meaning.


I was looking for some sort of revelation, a lesson, the ultimate purpose.

I was not happy with the ‘successful’ life that so many people only dream about. I had it all laid out in front of me yet it was not enough for some reason. It was lacking a mission, a purpose: what do I leave behind? What do I contribute? How do I inspire? How am I making this world a little bit better? My mind and soul were seeking answers, searching for something. Even I wasn’t sure what it was I was seeking. I just knew I had to change. I wanted to go into the opposite direction and start looking for something that I didn’t know what it was.

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Superficial illusion

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22/ 04/2019

You think I need the superficial
For my loyalty to become official
You think that you amaze me with stories
of brands and luxury but they just bored me
I never needed any of that
And every time you did that,
My lips just frowned uncontrollably.
That sad second influenced this poetry
Reflection. Realisation. Sobering.

The times you really made my soul smile
Were when you put on a vulnerable style
When you showed me your insecurities and pain
Your real desires for happiness you couldn’t attain

Those gentle touches on my shoulder to make sure I was not cold again
Those sacrifices to see me smile and not have a reason to complain

When you gave me (without asking) the last piece of chocolate
When you showed me your favourite songs under the blanket
When you thanked me for taking the seeds out of the watermelon
When we quietly watched cartoons and laughed in perfect unison
When you asked me how I could be so patient with you and your concern
When you told me you exactly knew I’m not getting enough back in return

Then the structure shifted.
Then you would say something superficial again. You got stuck in your past.
You kept on reminiscing of how you once lived.
None of that impressed me.
I didn’t care about the photos of expensive cars and watches.
I cared more about your photos of silly faces.
This is obviously not a poem as you can see.
Don’t let the structure fool you.

It’s just a superficial illusion, nothing else.
Mostly what this whole life-sharing experience meant to you.
So that in a few years, when I’m established,
You can say that you lived together with this girl.
To me it meant a whole lot more. I gave you my authentic self.
I showed you my hidden parts and I loved you deeply.
I played no games, no tactics, no illusions.
I truly loved you. All of you. The real you, behind the superficial illusion.
I wish you nothing else but to learn to love yourself the way I did.
Behind the scenes, away from the stories. For who you really are.

Because you are wonderful.

What I could call this ‘living in the jungle’ experience?

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I’m struggling to match my thoughts with my emotions. It seems that the past few months of this whirlwind event-chain has now calmed down and it’s trying to find a place to rest. And that place is seeking a title, a name, a short description. I don’t know which shelf to put it on, it needs a whole new cupboard, a whole new room actually. These past 8 months have been incredibly life shaping for me. Especially the second half of this period was what drove me forward before it broke me down and shattered me to pieces. I needed to hit ground zero to realise what it is that I truly wanted in life. I got exactly what I asked for and what I wanted to experience. Yet when I think back I’m struggling to accurately express what I just went through emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I ran away from success to be in uncertainty and ended up living in the middle of the jungle in Sri Lanka with a man who used to serve in the French legion and woke up each morning to the sound of monkeys jumping on our roof.

Bizarre. This word doesn’t even come close to describing those months. Did I have an amazing experience? For sure. Was I really happy? Definitely not. It was a time of transformation and inner work. Real self-development doesn’t come with smiling faces and constant bliss. It means digging deep within yourself, finding your hidden fears and your buried ‘whys’ for your emotional reactions. And when you find them, you have the choice to either look them in the eye and go straight into those fears or you can find another excuse to quietly cover them up with something else to keep peace. You can easily guess which option I chose. So I shattered myself in the middle of the jungle. Looking back, I believe it was a good environment to carry out this exercise, even though it didn’t always feel that way. Whilst there, I felt that I disconnected from myself, that I lost my way somehow while all I wanted to do was to find my real path. Oh, the irony. Life truly has a great sense of humour.

8 months of searching and realigning. Once my mind had an ‘upgrade’ it only took me 1 week to shift gears and change directions. I knew it was the start of a new chapter which meant closing down old patterns and making space for new beginnings. I re-evaluated my principles and priorities. I came up with new goals and visions, but most of all I felt that I came back to myself as an improved version of me.

So even though I’m still struggling to match my thoughts with my emotions I’m certain that this is the aftermath of this significant experience I just went through. Just as the whole journey didn’t make sense while I was experiencing it and the full picture cleared out once I closed down the chapter, it is very likely that my current emotional state will make sense to me a little bit later. And with that thought I put my mind at rest and will stop thinking about what I could call this.

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This is a snippet from my upcoming book: All roads lead to Ohm.
I aim to inspire others by sharing not only my eventful stories but life experiences of real characters whom agreed to share the raw, unedited truth.

Seeing through dark clouds

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21/03/2018

She didn’t care what other people would think about it, this was her life and her decisions. No one else can live her life, experience her moments each day. No one but her.

She didn’t understand why this made her feel so good despite battling through a dark phase together. Perhaps she was capable of seeing through the dark clouds and her mind knew that her heart was telling the truth. She just needed to trust the process. She just needed a little more patience to get to experience the bright days as well. Even in this darkness the sun would still break through for moments, some of them were quite long, blissful moments.

These were all that mattered.

She didn’t understand why he was afraid to believe that her feelings were real. Maybe he’s been carrying too much pain inside for too long. Maybe too much disappointment and he might be a little scared of losing it all again. She didn’t need to understand any of this.

She didn’t care how irrational this seemed from the outside. It made her happy somehow. It made her feel that this is a man worthy of her time. Someone she can trust, someone she can care for and be cared for. The simple things, the little things.

These were all that mattered.

She didn’t want to convince anyone, not even herself. If there are some things that can’t be understood but her gut feeling says it is a good thing for her then just let it be. Perhaps she will understand it all one day.

She decided to enjoy it all. Every little moment of it. This was her life, her moments. No one else can feel what she feels each day. No one but her.

Understanding this is what truly matters.

Double jointed circle

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29/05/2018

Upside down
Round and round

The circle keeps rolling back to its starting point but now the shape looks different to me. It’s no longer a circle. It resembles more of an 8 shape. Double jointed circle bent in the middle into infinity. Cliché? Perhaps. Yet it doesn’t faze me.

Keep going, keep going, round and round, upside down.
Same thing. New perception.

Sexual art

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26/01/2018

It was not a game we played, yet I feel like I lost

When we rolled the dice
We realised
What we wanted the most
Was what we have lost
The effect came afterwards of course
We didn’t think it through, I suppose
But it’s too late now to undo this
As my lips shiver for just one more kiss
How I imagine your fingers dig into my neck
There’s no way we can ever go back

The frequency of your voice
Sends me into a shock
My body vibrates
Blood pressure on high rates
Muscles tighten up
Your palm becomes a cup
Holding body parts
It’s sexual art

A whiff of your scent sets fire to my nerves
And the desire to feel your body on me burns
It burns through my rational thoughts and judgement
You breath in, I breathe out, no need for adjustment
Time eventually ceases
Our connection increases
I exhale the sweet sounds of joy
You watch me elevate and shake, enjoy!

The frequency of your voice
Sends me into a shock
My body vibrates
Blood pressure on high rates
Muscles tighten up
Your palm becomes a cup
Holding body parts
It’s sexual art

Just when I think I can’t take it anymore
You pull me closer into you, encore
But the best part is not the multiple joy
Not even the fact that I completely lost control
But it’s the truth that we united and became one
Without you in my life I’m absolutely undone.

Trip over yourself

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01/04/2017

Dream with me and live without me
Tomorrow might be just a fantasy
And apologising to me will be a courtesy
Dancing around the pieces of our broken dreams
Might help you to forget me. Go on and heal.
The truth might be buried deep

But the heart sees
Beneath the lies,
The cries,
The begging.

Begin the new trip. And trip over yourself
In the process
Because pain now means less
That is a new Yes.

 

How to let go

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19/01/18

She didn’t see how to connect the dots at first. But the more she let go and the more she accepted the events of life, she became more content. I can’t say she didn’t suffer or she didn’t feel pain in the process. Oh boy, she felt great pain.

But deep within, beneath all that masquerade, she knew that it was supposed to play out exactly like this. Most people yearn for finding that connection with someone that is meant to take your breath away. (It took her everything away, not only her breath though.) And when it does, you clinch your ten fingers into it so deep that you scratch the other person. But what she did instead, was gently stroking his forehead, blowing a kiss on his cheeks and set him free.

Let him go, on his way to do all the trivial things he had to do. This love was greater than fairy tales and dreams and all that nonsense. It was destined. They found each other eventually, again, and they will find each other again, time after time. What she felt was more magnificent than what this life could handle. He felt the same. They found each other without even looking for this. They both knew that they needed to go separate ways. They had to. Even though life had plans for them that kept them apart, underneath it all they always had each other. The pure, electric connection, that was so honest but so hidden that no one else could see, only them. Two souls, wrapped around each other, yet letting themselves wonder around into the opposite direction.

Was this love? She pondered. No. It was much stronger than that. It was an eternity connection that no one could take away. So she smiled as he took his last breath because she knew, she was certain, that they would find each other…again. Time after time.

Still shedding

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03/12/2018

How do we realise that we’re going through a changing process? When does it switch on in our mind that this is it, something going on right now? Until this moment, I never managed to grab onto the process and consciously enjoy the ride. I only noticed the changes within me after they took place and settled. But right now, I’m fully aware of the fact that something deep within me is turning. Like an ancient wooden wheel being steered into a different angle. It’s not a smooth movement. It’s making a crackling sound, gets stiff every now and then and it needs a harder push to change its position.

I believe in something, I speak it as my truth, yet I have an internal battle when it comes to action time. I’m shedding my old skin, the very same skin I firmly believed I shed already. Yet it’s still stuck on me. Ripping it off bit by bit is a painful process but it needs to be done. What’s emerging underneath is still unknown to me. Endless number of questions are swirling inside my head, around my soul and within my heart. How do I bring them into one clear focus point? I’m not sure. I just have to trust the process. To know, deep within, that the answers will arrive I’m ready, when I need them. Until then I let go of doubts and fear. I go straight through this terrifying experience and embrace the uncertainty. I feel that I started walking my true path even though I don’t see the road yet.

It’s time

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11/12/2018

Extending our 24-hour time restricted day…

So many people say ‘I don’t have time for that’. And it has been said numerous times before me that we have time for what we make time for. But. What if some of us don’t have the basic required means to do what we really would like to do? And I’m not talking about luxury experiences here. Taking a day off to relax our mind might not be possible for someone who works 7 days a week in an undeveloped country for such a low wage that is barely enough to cover survival needs. Going for dinner in a restaurant? Out of the question for these people. Yet they have such strength and calmness. They do not worry what tomorrow will bring because they only enjoy the present day. They’re grateful to experience today. Then another today and another until years have passed. These kind of people are scared to dream.

How can they develop an ambitious mindset when they don’t see any opportunities getting lost when suddenly coming their way? These people truly embrace every 24-hour, every moment, every millisecond. They cherish life. Their 24-hour feels longer. No, not because they are suffering, not at all. These people might live in poverty or a near poverty environment, yet they are happy. They appreciate the smallest things that most of us walk by. A genuine smile, the taste of ripe fruit, the smooth breeze on our skins, an honest conversation. Being fully present and fully experiencing every moment what extends their 24-hours.