Category Archives: Deep-thinking

time for change

Hide and Seek

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Finding yourself is a tricky little game that many of us tend to give up only after a couple of trials. What is it that we seek? What are we expecting to find?

I used to chase around this wild thought inside my head that the more I learn, the more I analyse, the quicker I can jump up and shout: “Got ya!”. Wrong. I eventually realised that I was looking in the wrong place all along…

Imagine trying to find your house keys inside your jacket pockets when you actually remember (you know) that you left them on the kitchen table.  You locked yourself out, you did this to yourself. Despite knowing deep within that your keys are hiding inside your home, you still desperately want to believe that you’ll find them in one of those pockets. Frustration kicks in gradually, you’re shaking that poor jacket, rolling your eyes while exhaling loudly. Then you suddenly come to a full stop. You let acceptance climb through your system. Slowing down your breathing, making your pupils come back to their regular size. The panic evaporates, the shivering stops and the corners of your lips slowly start to curl upwards. You sigh out a genuine laugh.

The truth finally hits you and that moment, right there, makes you remember where to really look for. Yes, the door still might be locked, but why haven’t you noticed that open window next to it until just now? Your keys have been inside all this time and instead of finding a way to get there, you had a tantrum on the outside. Am I trying to create a metaphor here? Perhaps, but I let you decide.

All I want to say to you is this: grab that key and open that freaking door finally, will you?

Just be

Unspoken words

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Unspoken words rushing through my entire being. I feel them exploding letter by letter as they travel through all parts of my body. They are making my muscles twitch, my spine strengthen up, my skin itching and my breathing to become shallow.

Exhale. Breath out these unspoken words, just let it all out without having to form a whisper. In-out. In-out. I am fully alive with the newly recognised truth that has been burning inside me for centuries, seeking a way to erupt. And when the explosion of truth happened, what’s next? I’m thinking again but this time it’s not “me” thinking. It’s everything I know is thinking all together, in a peaceful harmony.

Breathing in the unspoken words, listening to the sound of uniting. Breathing out the forgotten memories, listening to the sound of recognition. In-out. In-out.

Unleashed secrets that were supposed to be found. Just exhale that last letter, let it out then let it go to where it belongs. Out.

Lock on green background

Remembering who I am

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09.05.16

I started my day telling myself that today I will remember who I am. I know who I am and who I was. I will remember what I truly want. All day I was full of energy, I managed to get done what I usually would in 2-3 days (work-wise). Then at the end of my working day I felt a little mentally drained but I was still buzzing. Feeling calm and content. When I came home, I poured myself a glass of wine to enjoy it in my little garden while writing about my future, finalising my life goals. That’s when it hit me. Hard.

A roller-coaster of emotions. As I was forming each letter with my pen, I started remembering feelings. Excitement, disappointment, pain, hope, gratitude, extreme joyous happiness. Empathy for everything. Calmness. I grabbed another notebook to write about this intense experience. But how do I express such magnificent emotions? I simply can’t shove them into words and sentences.

It feels like if a tall building has just collapsed and the pieces have fallen into their “right” place. They created a brand new building that is so ancient at the same time, I’ve been looking at it for centuries. I lived inside this building, I just haven’t recognised it until now. From the deepest parts of my heart, I wish you dear reader to find your old-new building as well. The fact that you are reading this is already evidence that you are on the right path to discover it.

Throw away all the directions you’ve been given by others. No one else can lead you to this place. With that said, remain faithful. Have faith in yourself, your instincts, that feeling in your gut. Don’t chase it though. It will chase you instead when you’re ready and truly want it. I am now holding the key to the front door, so I say let’s step inside, shall we?

My future memories

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This is not a poem. This is aimed to be lyrics for a song. The only obstacle I have is the fact that I have no singing voice. Like nothing at all, unless you want to be tortured then get me to sing. So if you get inspired by my words then feel free to #singmylyrics and link back your video or recording.

Verse 1

Lyrical or hysterical

Fictional or mental

Shut your judgemental instincts

And open your kindness within

You, of course. Who else I’d be talking about?

But now you know there is no way back out

Just keep marching ahead

With your head filled with illusionary images

Limiting your true knowledge

What am I talking about? You still don’t get it?

Wasted thoughts

They have no meaning if they’re not being spoken out loud

Or do they?

Someone must have thought of them

 

Chorus

Drawing up one big circle and washing away the lines of time

Throwing in there all life experiences, watching them all shine

Should I just call it the present or my whole life instead?

When I recollect my future memories do I think in dates and years?

Or do I simply reminisce the events that are still fierce?

 

Verse 2

The limits

Heavy words shoved into a short sentence

Put a question mark at the end

To make it sound more complex

But in reality I’m only speaking about what you thought

Without worrying what my family and friends will know

Or perhaps I’m just creating fiction and these are not my ideas

But simply my imagination running around producing some crazy theories

Or could they be my future memories?

 

Chorus

Drawing up one big circle and washing away the lines of time

Throwing in there all life experiences, watching them all shine

Should I just call it the present or my whole life instead?

When I recollect my future memories do I think in dates and years?

Or do I simply reminisce the events that are still fierce?

 

Verse 3

Tomorrow I did something stupid

My future memories are coming back to me in the past

At last

Watching what I said to my close ones

5 years from now

If I could see it and feel it how would I behave right now?

Would I tell myself that it will be all fine somehow?

Would I pat myself on the back

When all I did was slack?

Dreaming about how the past was in the future

Would it confuse my head?

 

Chorus

Drawing up one big circle and washing away the lines of time

Throwing in there all life experiences, watching them all shine

Should I just call it the present or my whole life instead?

When I recollect my future memories do I think in dates and years?

Or do I simply reminisce the events that are still fierce?

 

Outro

I believe I will remember the feelings better

My past self is nodding and I have nothing against her

So it’s time to decide: feelings or actions?

What’s more important to me: the wholeness or the fractions?

Face with clocks

Twenty – four

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We travel through our lives every day. Some of us get on a delayed train, some get stuck at a red light in our cars and some just sit on the sofa flicking through all the international channels while staring at the shiny illusion on the wall (you might call it the TV). We seem to have forgotten how to sit still and take pleasure of it. Not out of boredom, not because we’ve been told to do it but purely because we desire it. We spend hours chasing after routines, giving in to habits and choosing the easy option of following the crowd.

Then we spend about a third of our day earning money so that we can buy all the things that we don’t need but must possess. Things that we firmly believe will make us feel happy. And in fact they do have that effect on us for a few minutes, hours or depending on the purchase maybe days. Never years though. We never get the same excitement that we feel when ripping the packaging open. So we go and get our things and then carry on with our routine. And when the end of the day arrives we take a look back and say something like “such a busy day” or “I still have to do this tomorrow”.

Those 24 hours are nothing but a sample sized life. Make yours exciting. Stop the excuses.

Chain

1 step back, 2 steps forward

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Wondering what could happen or would happen if I was able to change one moment of my past. A fracture of a memory transforming into the stepping-stone of my shiny future.

By altering one little piece of the events-chain could I create something so magnificent that the crowd around me would freeze for a lifetime? They would become the cold greyness and I would be the blazing red flame hurting the sight of the blind. Faces would be converted into paintings, eyes into mirrors and speech would evolve into a silent movie. I would soak up this vision and believe that what I had done is truly remarkable. Perhaps I would congratulate myself and throw a victory-smile to the negativity that has been trying to sneak into my shadow. After the shoulder patting what’s left for me to do is to unfreeze the ones with the flickering eyes inviting them to take a look around while holding onto the hands of my soul, slowly understanding where the alteration took place.

But I have no power to change what’s already done. I am where I am; I am who I am because the chain is unbroken. Each piece has taught me a lesson, arched a smile onto my face and witnessed me at my worst to become my best. Each memory-scar gave me stronger fighting skills and every moment contributed towards my ability to stand up always one more time more than falling down. So why would I change anything that I can be thankful for? Why would I be wishing to miss out on opportunities that came from behind closed doors? Every lived second was leading me to cross new paths I otherwise would have missed.

Embrace your past but remember to take your sight off it if you want to be excited about your next step.

Question mark

Power of the written words

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Words. Letters. Some strange lines scribbled on paper. Or they are flickering back from the screen of your electrical device. Thought processes materialised into the physical world. Touch it – you can’t feel it.

Why would you feel the written words? You see them, yes. But how can you create something that when you touch you don’t feel it? Although when you read them back, the whirlpool of emotions will start stirring. Can we really put our feelings into the forms of letters and dots and question marks? When you read my letter-chain, does the same feeling kick you in the stomach as the one I had to fight off? I don’t think so.

I feel. I think. I write.

You read. You think. You smile.

Hourglass

5 minutes

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I feel much better than I did 5 minutes ago because that’s how long it took me to realise that I am actually in charge of my own feelings. Why waste your time reminiscing about the past or daydreaming about the future? When in fact what I only have control over is the now. It comes so naturally to me to give out this advice to others but when I should be telling myself the same thing, the words just get stuck in my throat. They turned into a useless whimper, a squeaky sound instead of forming into a clear-cut motivational speech. 5 minutes. Enough time to reassess your feelings.

How are you exactly feeling right now? If you would need to describe with only 1 word, what would it be? Why are you feeling that way? Without understanding the triggers behind your emotions it is simply impossible to take control over them and steer them into a much preferred direction.

Let me give you an example:

You’re feeling angry waiting at the red traffic light. Why are you angry? You question yourself and notice that you’re angry because you’re running late from a meeting. Are you really angry or is it more like stressed out / anxious? You realise that you’re not angry but worried that you might arrive late. So, what are your options? You can’t physically change the traffic lights from red to green. You could drive through the red light which would mean putting others’ and your lives at risk, so clearly that’s not an option. You make a decision. When the light changes to green, you pull over to make a phone call and let them know that there is a possibility of you arriving a little late. Worry disappears and you carry on driving and actually manage to arrive on time.

This is how you take charge of your emotions. Assess your current situation in as much detail as you can; look for solutions; make a decision and your mood will shift.

  1. Assess situation
  2. Solution
  3. Decision

Now it would be the perfect time to use the cliché here “it’s simple as 1,2,3” but I seriously dislike clichés and it’s my decision to not use it. Take charge of your emotions and your life now!

Conscious new year

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December is the month when suddenly a lot more people start thinking about how their life is planning out. Strangely as we flip to the last page of the calendar our conscious thinking seems to wake up. A dose of espresso shot to our mind.

What is it with the end of the year that makes us reflect on our life and behaviour? We care more about the people we love and starting to form big dreams for the following year. Is it the fear of something ending? The fact that life is changing purely because we need to change one digit when writing today’s date? It’s interesting that most of us are programmed this way. That we feel that ending something is so terrifying. We fear it. What have I achieved? What am I grateful for? If that’s all that is, the end of a time measuring unit then why don’t we do reflect on ourselves at the end of each month / week/ day then? I can’t be the only one who reflects on life, my achievements, goals and desires more than once a year. To feel thankful for the wonderful people in my life.

If you ever make a New Year’s resolution then why not make it this one: be more conscious about what you want and say thank you more often for the little things that you take for granted.

I am grateful for the way my life is unfolding in front of my eyes day by day and I am thankful for having a loving family, friendships that are rock solid and a boyfriend who brings the best out of me without even trying.

Theory: why do we need to sleep?

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This one will be a bit philosophical. I don’t normally do this but the sudden thought I had last night while meditating really got me thinking on such a deep level that it gave me a headache. I haven’t had a ‘thinking headache’ since I was a child.

I remember I would try to understand the concept of time and space in relation to the universe. I was around 12 or 13 when I first remember spending time just thinking about time. I wanted to know where the world begins and ends physically and in-time. Then when I thought I had my answers I asked myself: “But what’s happened before that?” or “What is outside of our galaxy and where is the border of the universe and what’s outside of that?”. Let me tell you, I wasn’t the nerdy kind. I wasn’t interested in physics or maths or even philosophy. At that time I didn’t even know what quantum physics was. I just enjoyed questioning and challenging my imagination. Maybe that was my creativity being born there and then, who knows.

But let’s go back to my provoking thought from last night. The way our brain works fascinates me. The most intriguing part for me is that there is still so much uncertainty, so much to explore, to learn. Scientists and experts still don’t have a black & white answer to why our brains and our whole human beings need to sleep.  What we all seem to agree on (I’m no expert or scientist but a curious individual) is that at some point during our sleep cycle our conscious mind finally shuts up. That little voice in your head no longer throws negative thoughts at you, no longer questions your decisions or brings up possible reasons why you should worry. You stop destroying your own mood. I’m sure you’ve heard about things like ‘You are what you think’ ‘Law of Attraction’ and ‘Positive thinking’ and such. In a very brief nutshell: you get what you’re thinking about. More like how you’re thinking about it. You can call it religion, call it lifestyle, mind-set or whatever you want to call it, I’m not here to argue this part.

My thought last night was this: what if, the reason we all need to sleep and switch off the consciousness is to silence the negativity and stop destroying our chance for happiness? What if the entire universe feeds on the positivity, the good things, the creation of something amazing? I couldn’t find any actual statistics so I will guess a number now: at any point during a 24 hour period let’s say 20% of Earth’s population is asleep and the negativity is on hold. What if this is vital for our survival? If our positive and negative thoughts have an effect on our Universe then I would assume the positive ones would make a better impact for all of us. What would happen if we all stayed awake for 24 hours and let that little voice carry on with the negative talk? Would we notice a difference? What if the entire population would be asleep and I would stay awake? I have more questions but I let you come up with some other ones yourself.