Encrypted messages are running through my mind. The more I decipher them the deeper into the darkness I go. With each sentence I’m pulling myself further down. I wonder how can the majority of people be so oblivious to their lives? How can they simply smile and not question their fulfilment? Most likely I’m the one who will get stamped with the ‘strange’ title.
Why am I seeking a meaning, a purpose and why am I breaking my brain cells trying to analyse what the hell I’m supposed to learn? Yes, I accepted that life gives me exactly what I need, yet I can’t comprehend to make it fit into the chain of events that’s called my life. Using some rationale thinking I know that the epiphany of understanding is always delayed. But this is when I break my brain a bit. I do know that time as we know it is an illusion. It’s not linear. So if it’s not linear then how can I be certain that the understanding is ‘delayed’? Delayed means that something happens at a later time. If there is no linearity then how can something be delayed? This paradox gives me a headache.
I’m fighting an ambivalent battle within me: science versus spirituality. These two must collide and eventually align. So many heavy truths came out of both fields. I simply don’t believe that they were meant to be looked at from two separate angles. There must be a degree where they sit together, pointing to an even bigger truth. And that truth somehow lies within me, I just can’t figure it out yet.
Every time I ponder what my greater purpose is in this life, I somehow end up here. Trying to mix science with spiritual thinking. Science is logical, factual, it gives some sort of structure. It’s black and white. Spirituality gives it some life. Some colours. It colours in the facts.
An even greater headache kicks in and I even end up struggling from dizziness. I’m starting to feel frustrated as I can’t bring this knowledge to surface.
Finding yourself is a tricky little game that many of us tend to give up only after a couple of trials. What is it that we seek? What are we expecting to find?
I used to chase around this wild thought inside my head that the more I learn, the more I analyse, the quicker I can jump up and shout: “Got ya!”. Wrong. I eventually realised that I was looking in the wrong place all along…
Imagine trying to find your house keys inside your jacket pockets when you actually remember (you know) that you left them on the kitchen table. You locked yourself out, you did this to yourself. Despite knowing deep within that your keys are hiding inside your home, you still desperately want to believe that you’ll find them in one of those pockets. Frustration kicks in gradually, you’re shaking that poor jacket, rolling your eyes while exhaling loudly. Then you suddenly come to a full stop. You let acceptance climb through your system. Slowing down your breathing, making your pupils come back to their regular size. The panic evaporates, the shivering stops and the corners of your lips slowly start to curl upwards. You sigh out a genuine laugh.
The truth finally hits you and that moment, right there, makes you remember where to really look for. Yes, the door still might be locked, but why haven’t you noticed that open window next to it until just now? Your keys have been inside all this time and instead of finding a way to get there, you had a tantrum on the outside. Am I trying to create a metaphor here? Perhaps, but I let you decide.
All I want to say to you is this: grab that key and open that freaking door finally, will you?
Words. Letters. Some strange lines scribbled on paper. Or they are flickering back from the screen of your electrical device. Thought processes materialised into the physical world. Touch it – you can’t feel it.
Why would you feel the written words? You see them, yes. But how can you create something that when you touch you don’t feel it? Although when you read them back, the whirlpool of emotions will start stirring. Can we really put our feelings into the forms of letters and dots and question marks? When you read my letter-chain, does the same feeling kick you in the stomach as the one I had to fight off? I don’t think so.