I started my day telling myself that today I will remember who I am. I know who I am and who I was. I will remember what I truly want. All day I was full of energy, I managed to get done what I usually would in 2-3 days (work-wise). Then at the end of my working day I felt a little mentally drained but I was still buzzing. Feeling calm and content. When I came home, I poured myself a glass of wine to enjoy it in my little garden while writing about my future, finalising my life goals. That’s when it hit me. Hard.
A roller-coaster of emotions. As I was forming each letter with my pen, I started remembering feelings. Excitement, disappointment, pain, hope, gratitude, extreme joyous happiness. Empathy for everything. Calmness. I grabbed another notebook to write about this intense experience. But how do I express such magnificent emotions? I simply can’t shove them into words and sentences.
It feels like if a tall building has just collapsed and the pieces have fallen into their “right” place. They created a brand new building that is so ancient at the same time, I’ve been looking at it for centuries. I lived inside this building, I just haven’t recognised it until now. From the deepest parts of my heart, I wish you dear reader to find your old-new building as well. The fact that you are reading this is already evidence that you are on the right path to discover it.
Throw away all the directions you’ve been given by others. No one else can lead you to this place. With that said, remain faithful. Have faith in yourself, your instincts, that feeling in your gut. Don’t chase it though. It will chase you instead when you’re ready and truly want it. I am now holding the key to the front door, so I say let’s step inside, shall we?
When you finally realise what you want, you have no choice but to go for it. Stop asking yourself: “but what if it won’t work out?”. If you don’t try at least then all you will have is a selection of imaginary scenarios of how your life could have planned out.
You have the pen in your hand writing the story of your life. Take control. Act on your wishes. What’s the worst that could happen? You make a mistake? So what? If you never make any mistakes then how will you ever learn and become better? Don’t be afraid of failure because failing is nothing but getting one step closer to a stronger you. Get up and try again or try something different. But please, keep trying! Would you rather just stand still and watch your life float by or do you want to experience some magnificent waves?
To put down words onto paper is one of the little joys in life that recharges me. I’m trying to remember when or how it all started. I was around 15 when poetry and literature in general started to interest me.
Until that time I still read what I had to in school but I cannot recall any enjoyment. Poetry got through to me. Understanding the hidden messages, feeling the words. As I read them out loud to myself I felt the power of its wholeness. Perfection. Saying what you feel without explaining it all. So I started writing poetry first at that age. Not so great ones. Childish rhymes but with a hint of passion boiling behind the words. Nothing concrete in my soul yet, just the desire to create something that is me. I’ve always been a little selfish especially at that age so perhaps that’s what fuelled my desire for writing in the beginning. I wanted to be great. To be the master of the words. I wanted people to question and analyse what I had written. I believed that true self-expression was to remain mysterious, to get others trying to understand me. But even I didn’t understand me back then. I do now, and as I carried on writing I opened the door slightly more. Show them who I really am. Let everyone know what runs through my mind, what cuts into my soul, what makes my heart beat faster.
Once I was at the stage when I truly accepted myself and learnt to love honestly the person who’s hiding within, my writing slowly started to reflect that. Now all I want to do is to entertain others, make them think or perhaps open their eyes a tiny bit more to look at life from different angles. The moment I evolved into writing fiction was a gigantic milestone for me. I no longer felt the ego. I didn’t want people to worship me because now I can do that for myself.
I’m curious to find out what will be the next stage for my writing. Until then, I honestly hope that I can entertain you along the way and share my journey with you. Because without you, dear reader, I’m just talking to myself.