I just want to be Daddy’s little girl I never was.

I don’t know how it feels when a strong man protects you, when he puts his arms around you and says “it will be OK, I got you”.

I don’t know what it looks like when it’s the man who takes care of the responsibilities.

I don’t know what it means to rely on a man to fix things around the house. 

I don’t know why it’s not normal that I hide my emotions. 

I don’t know why it’s wrong that I don’t ask for help when I really need it. 

I don’t know how I find the energy to always over-achieve and to win, no matter what.

I don’t know why I feel I’m not good enough.

I don’t know how to show the whole world that I’m unique, interesting and lovable. 

I don’t know what makes me the wounded artist when I’m fine, okay?!

And now, I really don’t know how to tell him I’m scared of losing him. What if he dies while I’m trying to figure out how to be Daddy’s little princess at the age of 38?

All I want, still, is to give him all my love even when I don’t know how to show it. 

But quietly, I’m curled up in the invisible corner of my heart. I pull my knees to my chest as my sobs make my breathing uncontrollable. 

I don’t want him to exit my life this way. We still have so much to work through. So much to untangle, rekindle, deconstruct. 

Those crumbles I got from him fed my soul like the finest French cuisine I ever experienced. But then I remember the things I do know. 

I know how it feels when I’m comforting myself saying “it will be okay, I got you”.

I know I can handle all my responsibilities.

I know which screwdriver to use.

I now know that having feelings doesn’t mean I’m weak.

I now know that I don’t always have to be the strongest and it’s okay to receive help.

I now know that losing doesn’t mean I’m a loser. 

I now know that I can believe I am good enough. This one won’t happen overnight but I’m doing my best to truly believe this. 

I now know I have no one to prove my worth to.

But here I am. Trying to prove my own worth to myself.

I’ve been running around for too long with a tiara in my hand with nowhere to place it.