Tag Archives: breakup

Break-up etiquette

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After a break up who gets custody of the inside jokes, the going-to-bed routines and the Netflix account? Who’s going to say first: “This couple we loved hanging out with are now my friends, not yours”? How do you decide when to leave the family chat? Should you even? You loved those silly videos and memes in that group so much. Why should you rob yourself of that moving forward? But deep inside you know already: that group chat will remain silent from now on. 

Who gets to keep adding new songs to the Spotify liked list? 
Who will ever be able to play Scrabble again without the memories rushing back?
Who can have coffee from the mug that weirdly represented us like it’s no big deal?

In what are you going to sleep now if not his old T-shirts? What do you do with them? Throw them out? Give them to charity? 

When do you change your relationship status on Facebook instead of just changing it to the ‘only I can see it’ view?

When a relationship ends, what hurts on a different level is the loss of connections to others that we get to experience through our partner. Or more like with our partner. I’m writing these sentences while wiping tears and snot off my face as I realise I won’t ever have those group chat giggles anymore. I won’t ever have those philosophical conversations until 2 in the morning with our friends. I won’t ever be the one responsible for finding the right Spotify playlist that has a bit of everything in it for all of us. That somehow blends hip-hop, rock, and jazz with just a small dash of pop-house-reggae-soul-blues-drum’n’base-electro. I won’t ever be the one to watch him cook while I ask mind-bending questions.  

What else are you losing when you lose a great love? A real one. 

I’m usually on the other side of this scenario. I’m the one who walks away from something that might not have a future even when the love is still there. The amount of times I’ve done that is not something I’m proud of but I always made sure it was gentle and the least amount of hurtful for the other person. But this one wasn’t. 

After 5 years of moments-building, challenge-fighting and comfort-zone-pushing, the end felt unnatural, unethical and most of all unexpected. 

So what do you do when nothing bad happened but all of it now suddenly feels bad? 

If you question why you didn’t listen to that voice in your head to walk away while it was still good? 

You’ll never know. 

All you know now is the myriad of questions you were unprepared for.

broken heart prose

No longer The One

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When I said let’s plan our goals together, you said not today, you’re tired. 

Tired of trying to live up to your imaginary expectations when in fact, all you did was latch onto me for support. 

Tired of feeling sorry for yourself for not feeling like a man.
Whatever that means in your dictionary. Because honestly, I was the one playing the role of the man in this relationship for 5 years. 

I was the one who fixed the broken sink. 

I was the one who reset the gas boiler.

I was the one who paid the rent.

I was the one who bought those concert tickets.

I was the one who had the money to buy the Jeep.

I was the one who sweet-talked to agents. 

I was the one who carried the responsibilities. 

While you were the one who cooked dinners. 

You were the one who did the laundry. 

You were the one who wanted to cuddle. 

You were the one who felt insecure about your body. 

You were the one who said we’re done. 

And now we are no longer One. 

The first cracks of the end

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[26th October 2024]

That disturbed feeling after an argument. 

It’s like your mind has malfunctioned and your heart has been washed out with bleach. The pain, the anger and the disappointment infill every hidden corner of your soul. The dried tears in the corner of your eyes mixed with mascara give you an itch. You don’t want to scratch it but you can’t resist. Just like you couldn’t resist saying out loud those deeply buried thoughts. Those little layers of annoyance which suddenly inflated into a giant bubble of anger. Then it suddenly burst open without your control. Bamm. Off it went, along with all of your hurtful words. The damage is done to both parties. Is it beyond repair? Or can we still slap a band-aid over it and pretend nothing happened? But that’s not me. I can’t play pretend. I can only be raw and real. No games, no tactics. 

So how do we know when an argument is fully over? Do we wait x amount of hours or days or is there a universal protocol I don’t know about? I’m not used to this. Until now, I’ve been doing my best to eliminate the potential of any arguments arising. Talk it out calmly, openly, and intelligently. This has been my motto in relationships and it worked most of the time. But today, he brought out the worst in me. The ugly side which isn’t kind or considerate. And it’s definitely not calm. The suppressed anger and disappointment erupted from me today. I saw another side of him which he used to tell me stories about as part of his past persona.

Until today, I haven’t met this side of him. Almost 5 years went by until he pulled the curtain back on this trick of his. I mean, good job hiding it for so long. But what I saw today is not something I need in my life. It’s not something I want in my life. There isn’t enough amount of love in this world to justify this hurtful behaviour. This is not the man I fell in love with. And if it turns out that this is the real him, then I’ll have to make a painful decision.