[26th October 2024]

That disturbed feeling after an argument. 

It’s like your mind has malfunctioned and your heart has been washed out with bleach. The pain, the anger and the disappointment infill every hidden corner of your soul. The dried tears in the corner of your eyes mixed with mascara give you an itch. You don’t want to scratch it but you can’t resist. Just like you couldn’t resist saying out loud those deeply buried thoughts. Those little layers of annoyance which suddenly inflated into a giant bubble of anger. Then it suddenly burst open without your control. Bamm. Off it went, along with all of your hurtful words. The damage is done to both parties. Is it beyond repair? Or can we still slap a band-aid over it and pretend nothing happened? But that’s not me. I can’t play pretend. I can only be raw and real. No games, no tactics. 

So how do we know when an argument is fully over? Do we wait x amount of hours or days or is there a universal protocol I don’t know about? I’m not used to this. Until now, I’ve been doing my best to eliminate the potential of any arguments arising. Talk it out calmly, openly, and intelligently. This has been my motto in relationships and it worked most of the time. But today, he brought out the worst in me. The ugly side which isn’t kind or considerate. And it’s definitely not calm. The suppressed anger and disappointment erupted from me today. I saw another side of him which he used to tell me stories about as part of his past persona.

Until today, I haven’t met this side of him. Almost 5 years went by until he pulled the curtain back on this trick of his. I mean, good job hiding it for so long. But what I saw today is not something I need in my life. It’s not something I want in my life. There isn’t enough amount of love in this world to justify this hurtful behaviour. This is not the man I fell in love with. And if it turns out that this is the real him, then I’ll have to make a painful decision.