Monthly Archives: January 2016

Life is happening NOW

There are some days when you wake up in the morning and you feel like you’re ready to take on the world, to do something different, to stand in front of the mirror and smile until your face hurts. I woke up like this today.

The best part of when this happens is that there is no specific reason behind this emotion. You feel alive and genuinely happy and content with EVERYTHING. Accepting the little things and the big things in your everyday life, realising that you’re a magnificent and amazing human being. Understanding that you are so ridiculously lucky to be alive, to be part of this fantastic experience called Life. Appreciating all the events that are happening to you. Feeling grateful for being able to breathe, to see the colours around you, to stand on your own feet, to hear your friends and family talking to you. Sometimes you need to stop and realise that all the things that you take for granted might seem like a massive gift to others or even an impossible dream to have.

So I challenge you my friend: take a few moments and count your blessings. What do you have that money can’t buy? Because it is the cliché as it is: happiness does NOT come from the things you buy, it is simply enjoying what you already have: your physical and emotional abilities, the wonderful people around you and the yet unknown opportunities that lie in front of you. Be present and love your life the way it is. Let go of your past. Everything else will unfold and fall into its place, I promise.


Why is failure a good thing?

When you finally realise what you want, you have no choice but to go for it. Stop asking yourself: “but what if it won’t work out?”. If you don’t try at least then all you will have is a selection of imaginary scenarios of how your life could have planned out.

You have the pen in your hand writing the story of your life. Take control. Act on your wishes. What’s the worst that could happen? You make a mistake? So what? If you never make any mistakes then how will you ever learn and become better? Don’t be afraid of failure because failing is nothing but getting one step closer to a stronger you. Get up and try again or try something different. But please, keep trying! Would you rather just stand still and watch your life float by or do you want to experience some magnificent waves?

Change of plans

I never planned this to happen. Didn’t even imagine or wanted it to go this way and even as it started happening I was still running away from it. Why? I just didn’t believe that this could turn into something so real. All I wanted was one night of passionate fun. Pure physical satisfaction. Exactly one year ago that’s what I thought would happen: spending one night with you and waving you goodbye in the morning with post-sex messed up hair.

Instead, I found someone who makes me feel alive, who I crave from the deepest parts of my soul. Someone who makes me smile when I see his name pop up on my phone’s screen. Someone whom I have fallen madly in love with for the way he is without wanting to change anything about him. This whole thing feels so natural, comfortable, so relaxing yet very exciting.

I’m generally not a romantic kind of girl but somehow you make me want to tell you just how much you mean to me. How I can’t imagine spending a day without writing you ‘bongu’ or call you a ‘mignun’ at least once a day. Let me try to explain myself a bit better: it’s like I was running around at a high speed, aimlessly without a destination in my mind when suddenly you held my hand that made me come to a full stop. It wasn’t just me who stopped. Every time you kiss me or look into my eyes, I forget that there is a whole world around us. You made the Universe stop. And I can’t imagine doing anything better than standing still with you, holding your hand while the rest of the world is running around in chaos. I know we didn’t arrive to this place in a simple or traditional way but guess what? I think that’s what I like the most. Against all the odds we still arrived here.

I’m so grateful that this didn’t go as I originally planned it. Thank you for being as amazing as you are.


5 minutes

I feel much better than I did 5 minutes ago because that’s how long it took me to realise that I am actually in charge of my own feelings. Why waste your time reminiscing about the past or daydreaming about the future? When in fact what I only have control over is the now. It comes so naturally to me to give out this advice to others but when I should be telling myself the same thing, the words just get stuck in my throat. They turned into a useless whimper, a squeaky sound instead of forming into a clear-cut motivational speech. 5 minutes. Enough time to reassess your feelings.

How are you exactly feeling right now? If you would need to describe with only 1 word, what would it be? Why are you feeling that way? Without understanding the triggers behind your emotions it is simply impossible to take control over them and steer them into a much preferred direction.

Let me give you an example:

You’re feeling angry waiting at the red traffic light. Why are you angry? You question yourself and notice that you’re angry because you’re running late from a meeting. Are you really angry or is it more like stressed out / anxious? You realise that you’re not angry but worried that you might arrive late. So, what are your options? You can’t physically change the traffic lights from red to green. You could drive through the red light which would mean putting others’ and your lives at risk, so clearly that’s not an option. You make a decision. When the light changes to green, you pull over to make a phone call and let them know that there is a possibility of you arriving a little late. Worry disappears and you carry on driving and actually manage to arrive on time.

This is how you take charge of your emotions. Assess your current situation in as much detail as you can; look for solutions; make a decision and your mood will shift.

  1. Assess situation
  2. Solution
  3. Decision

Now it would be the perfect time to use the cliché here “it’s simple as 1,2,3” but I seriously dislike clichés and it’s my decision to not use it. Take charge of your emotions and your life now!

Conscious new year

December is the month when suddenly a lot more people start thinking about how their life is planning out. Strangely as we flip to the last page of the calendar our conscious thinking seems to wake up. A dose of espresso shot to our mind.

What is it with the end of the year that makes us reflect on our life and behaviour? We care more about the people we love and starting to form big dreams for the following year. Is it the fear of something ending? The fact that life is changing purely because we need to change one digit when writing today’s date? It’s interesting that most of us are programmed this way. That we feel that ending something is so terrifying. We fear it. What have I achieved? What am I grateful for? If that’s all that is, the end of a time measuring unit then why don’t we do reflect on ourselves at the end of each month / week/ day then? I can’t be the only one who reflects on life, my achievements, goals and desires more than once a year. To feel thankful for the wonderful people in my life.

If you ever make a New Year’s resolution then why not make it this one: be more conscious about what you want and say thank you more often for the little things that you take for granted.

I am grateful for the way my life is unfolding in front of my eyes day by day and I am thankful for having a loving family, friendships that are rock solid and a boyfriend who brings the best out of me without even trying.

Mind the gap

Gender pay gap – yes, yes you’ve heard it all before, you know women get paid less than men and you know that feminists are angry about this. So what can we do to make things better?

If you don’t feel your blood boiling because of the fact that some people put less cash in their pocket for doing the same job, then let me put it this way to you. Your sister / mother/ closest female friend working for 7 years will get 1 year less salary overall than a male colleague. Is it fair? No. Can we speak up? Hell yes. Let’s not be victims but be the ones who turn things around.

Here’s what you can do: as a female don’t feel guilty for asking for a pay rise. Men are likely to earn more money because they won’t over-think telling their bosses that they want a higher salary. Asking for your pay package to reflect your hard work is not bitchy. It’s smart, so do it. As a male please realise that women are smart and creative business partners and they are not there to make you coffee or organise your files. They are employed to be heard, so listen.

This is not about feminism, it’s about fairness. If men were paid less than women I would stand by this cause the exact same way. So speak up ladies, and listen gentlemen!

You are alive

I write. I put my thoughts into the form of written words, adjective-heavy feelings and provoking questions. Why? Because I don’t know any other way to enjoy life to the fullest. The little moments in life, that is. To remember the memories better. Also to contribute to your life experience in some way. You are reading this after all and my hope is that this finds you with an open mind.

Have you ever noticed how many sentences run through your brain each day? Of course you have. At least some of it. Now, imagine if you could record them and then listen back what you’re thinking. I guarantee you’d be surprised to hear the way you talk to yourself.

“No, I can’t do that”

“It’s too difficult for me to do this”

“I don’t think they will like my idea”

“I don’t look so great today”

And so on. How many times do you catch yourself saying:

“Wow I’m amazing”

“I’ve done a fantastic job with this”

“Everyone is going to love my idea”
Not very often? Why not? Why have we programmed our brains to think so negative automatically? Why don’t you believe that you are good enough? More than good enough. You are alive. That alone is tremendous news. Enjoy it!

Theory: why do we need to sleep?

This one will be a bit philosophical. I don’t normally do this but the sudden thought I had last night while meditating really got me thinking on such a deep level that it gave me a headache. I haven’t had a ‘thinking headache’ since I was a child.

I remember I would try to understand the concept of time and space in relation to the universe. I was around 12 or 13 when I first remember spending time just thinking about time. I wanted to know where the world begins and ends physically and in-time. Then when I thought I had my answers I asked myself: “But what’s happened before that?” or “What is outside of our galaxy and where is the border of the universe and what’s outside of that?”. Let me tell you, I wasn’t the nerdy kind. I wasn’t interested in physics or maths or even philosophy. At that time I didn’t even know what quantum physics was. I just enjoyed questioning and challenging my imagination. Maybe that was my creativity being born there and then, who knows.

But let’s go back to my provoking thought from last night. The way our brain works fascinates me. The most intriguing part for me is that there is still so much uncertainty, so much to explore, to learn. Scientists and experts still don’t have a black & white answer to why our brains and our whole human beings need to sleep.  What we all seem to agree on (I’m no expert or scientist but a curious individual) is that at some point during our sleep cycle our conscious mind finally shuts up. That little voice in your head no longer throws negative thoughts at you, no longer questions your decisions or brings up possible reasons why you should worry. You stop destroying your own mood. I’m sure you’ve heard about things like ‘You are what you think’ ‘Law of Attraction’ and ‘Positive thinking’ and such. In a very brief nutshell: you get what you’re thinking about. More like how you’re thinking about it. You can call it religion, call it lifestyle, mind-set or whatever you want to call it, I’m not here to argue this part.

My thought last night was this: what if, the reason we all need to sleep and switch off the consciousness is to silence the negativity and stop destroying our chance for happiness? What if the entire universe feeds on the positivity, the good things, the creation of something amazing? I couldn’t find any actual statistics so I will guess a number now: at any point during a 24 hour period let’s say 20% of Earth’s population is asleep and the negativity is on hold. What if this is vital for our survival? If our positive and negative thoughts have an effect on our Universe then I would assume the positive ones would make a better impact for all of us. What would happen if we all stayed awake for 24 hours and let that little voice carry on with the negative talk? Would we notice a difference? What if the entire population would be asleep and I would stay awake? I have more questions but I let you come up with some other ones yourself.


“You always have to be right, don’t you? I’m sick and tired of your stubbornness Jason! Every time I have a different opinion you act like a spoiled child.” Amie shouted, forgetting to breathe between her sentences.

“I act like a child… Are you serious? Who started arguing about which movie we should go and see? I simply explained why your choice would be a waste of time and money.” Jason’s eyes rolled so hard that Amie’s vein on her neck stiffened immediately.

“My god, you are so annoying sometimes! I don’t want to go anywhere anymore.”

“Come on sweetie, don’t be like this. OK, let’s go and watch that lovely, predictable movie then. I just thought you were a smart girl, you used to enjoy the more complicated, thought provoking movies.” His tone was so calming and soothing that you could almost believe he didn’t mean to insult.

“Get the hell out of the house! Right now! Just go, get out!” Tears have started to roll down Amie’s high cheekbones. With a swift movement she wiped them away and swept her fire-red curly hair out of her face.

“You call me childish… You won’t even discuss this. After all this time together you think I don’t know your tricks? You can stop with the act and the fake tears. I love you but this drama has to stop.”

“Drama? I give you drama!” The empty turquoise mug flew across the living room, smashing into pieces on the front wooden door. Luckily for Jason she wasn’t very good at aiming.

“All right, you’ve become a crazy bitch, I’m out of here.” He grabbed his car keys and shoved it into the left pocket of his jeans, regretting his decision immediately as he heard it scratch across his phone’s screen. Amie started running towards this man, whom 20 minutes ago she considered to be the love of her life.

Never before she felt so content and complete with anyone else, only Jason. Even after 3 years with him, she still caught herself daydreaming about his deep dark brown eyes and how he would playfully slap her hand when she touched his gel-sculpted black spikey hair. All of her friends were slightly jealous of the Amie-Jason dream couple: passionate love, beautifully complimenting looks and both aggressively progressing on the career ladder. As she was running towards him with her palm outstretched, ready for some anger ridden slapping, her bright green eyes became narrow and the small lines around her lips got deeper. Jason recognised this look. Get out man, quickly – he warmed himself and slammed the front door behind him before Amie could jump on her prey. He got into his silver BMW, rolled down the rooftop and checked his phone. A tiny scratch was running across the screen where his network was displayed. He let out a relieved sigh and carefully placed his mobile on the passenger seat. He started the engine and without a destination in his mind he pushed down the gas pedal.


Hey girl. Not going to cinema so I’m free to meet. I have wine, come to mine whenever. Drama with J I tell you later, so angry I want to kill him.

Oh shit. OK I’m on my way. Bringing another bottle, I think you need it.

After finishing the first bottle, Amie realised that she might have over-reacted and did in fact became a crazy bitch. Hearing her friend’s brutally honest opinion cleared her vision and that unwanted feeling kicked her in the stomach. Her guilt was creeping all the way into her heart. She decided to look at all the notifications on her phone. The 4 missed calls from Jason she rejected in between sipping on her wine, the 1 voicemail message and 1 missed call from a local landline number that was unknown to her. Who uses a landline phone anymore?

You have one new voicemail. Received at 21:04:

Amie, listen. Please call me back. I’m so sorry I said those things, I hope you know I didn’t mean them. I was just…what the..shit!

To listen to this message again press 1. To delete press 2.


Jason’s phone was lying face up on the side of the road, with a completely cracked screen broken into half. It strangely resembled his skull positioned right next to it.


Becoming the master of the words

To put down words onto paper is one of the little joys in life that recharges me. I’m trying to remember when or how it all started. I was around 15 when poetry and literature in general started to interest me.
Until that time I still read what I had to in school but I cannot recall any enjoyment. Poetry got through to me. Understanding the hidden messages, feeling the words. As I read them out loud to myself I felt the power of its wholeness. Perfection. Saying what you feel without explaining it all. So I started writing poetry first at that age. Not so great ones. Childish rhymes but with a hint of passion boiling behind the words. Nothing concrete in my soul yet, just the desire to create something that is me. I’ve always been a little selfish especially at that age so perhaps that’s what fuelled my desire for writing in the beginning. I wanted to be great. To be the master of the words. I wanted people to question and analyse what I had written. I believed that true self-expression was to remain mysterious, to get others trying to understand me. But even I didn’t understand me back then. I do now, and as I carried on writing I opened the door slightly more. Show them who I really am. Let everyone know what runs through my mind, what cuts into my soul, what makes my heart beat faster.
Once I was at the stage when I truly accepted myself and learnt to love honestly the person who’s hiding within, my writing slowly started to reflect that. Now all I want to do is to entertain others, make them think or perhaps open their eyes a tiny bit more to look at life from different angles. The moment I evolved into writing fiction was a gigantic milestone for me. I no longer felt the ego. I didn’t want people to worship me because now I can do that for myself.
I’m curious to find out what will be the next stage for my writing. Until then, I honestly hope that I can entertain you along the way and share my journey with you. Because without you, dear reader, I’m just talking to myself.